Here I am...

Spiritual Warfare

2012-01-15T18:01:00.001-08:00

To be honest, i have always viewed that term as a self centered, Christianese one. I always thought of people who said that they were going through some 'major spiritual warfare' as people who thought that their lives were much worse than they were. Often their 'spiritual warfare' was their dog dying or something like that- it didnt amount to real persecution. I blame this cynicism partially on growing up as a pastor's kid who had met a few drama queens in her day.

I have recently been convicted of this stance. It's not to say that everyone who claims spiritual warfare is right on, but rather that it does exist & that it can range in degree.

There are seasons of life and in this season, I realize that there is some spiritual warfare. As Jerry said, it is humbling to experience it.

C.S. Lewis once said “God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain”

This serves as an important reminder... if we are facing spiritual warfare, we should aim to do so in a way blameless before the Lord. This isn't to say that we need to be perfect but that we should strive to honor Him through the process. A valuable lesson for me

Wuthering Heights

2012-01-08T23:08:00.001-08:00

Just started reading Wuthering Heights on my iPhone. It's not as bad as I thought it would be thus far. It's a book I have always avoided, but knew that one day I would have to read it. I can thank my book club for that :)

I am trying to incorporate reading, music, photography, writing, language and art into my weekly routine. It's much more tempting to play sudoko after the gym, but I know in the long run I will thank myself for incorporating the arts into my weekly routine.

God continues to work through my husband to help me with my anxiety. It really only comes out when multiple stressful situations emerge, but I don't like letting anxiety rule even a small part of my life. Lord, let me give all of this to you. Amen.

Ccing

2012-01-04T14:49:00.001-08:00

I've experienced a few email this week where a person wants to point out a mistake someone has made and will cc other people. I have been both the receiver or cc-ed. In all of these cases, it later came out that the sender was misinformed.

Now I think this bothers me for a few reasons. First- it is passive aggressive. Second, it humiliates the person on the receiving end. Third- it doesn't follow Matthew 18 (go first to the person).

It's one of those etiquette things that has just come about in recent times... I'm glad I learned about this while I am younger, so I won't do this later in my life.

This is not to rag on those who sent those emails, but rather a conviction to ensure that I do not do that. Life Lesson #467

Why My Bible Study Group is the Best

2012-01-03T07:09:00.001-08:00

So I love my Bible study group- mainly because (outside of being Christians) we have nothing in common.

Everyone has kids, is much older (outside of one couple) and is in a different walk of life than we are.

Now it seems strange that I would like this, because as humans, we are naturally drawn to people who are like us. However, i think a group like this is essential for Bible study.

Why?- you may ask. Because this group challenges me in the Word. When I am with my friends, we typically have pretty similar convictions, moral and political beliefs: rarely having to bring up a challenge for someone to think differently about something than they did before.

My group members will challenge my beliefs or interpretation of a verse though bc they come from a different walk of life. I love being challenged... It either strengthens my own convictions or allows me to think of something in a different light.

And that to me is an important way to grow in my walk with God. I am so thankful for this group!

Love Your Christian Enemies

2012-01-02T10:01:00.001-08:00

I was reading Luke 6:27-36: love your enemies. In a modern, contemporary, Christian context I often hear this about "the Muslims, the gays and those God hating secularists."

Ever since I was a teen, I could never relate to this modern interpretation. I have had and continue to have dear friends from each of these "groups."

For awhile, I thought this wasn't a verse that pertained to me as much, since by nature I am fairly laid back.

But recently, I realized that it applies to me in a much different context and was I convicted!

Plain and simple: my enemy was the Christian Right. I hated how they would ostracize and demonize homosexuals, liberals, Muslims and atheists. I would get so mad at how they would focus on the sin and not show Christ's love at all. I hated how it would become an "us vs them" battle.

Basically, I hated how they treated other people and I began to have a growing distain towards the Christian Right. They were not showing Christ's love towards their enemies. Then I realized: I was not showing Christ's love to the Christian Right.... I was not loving my enemies.

It's something I continue to struggle with. God has put many opportunities in my life to love and dialogue with those who I normally get frustrated with. He has taught me a great deal.

So now as I grow in Him, I ask Him to help me minister to both groups (the non-Christians and Christians) in both truth and love. Lord, help me to love all people with Your love!

So Glad You Are Here 2012!!!!

2012-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

As I have stated before, 2011 was a trying year (for both myself and some of the people closest to me). But through those trying times, God was faithful. He molded me and shaped me in ways I never knew imaginable. I was also able to take our relationship to the next level....

All my life, I would just take the difficulties thrown at me. When difficulty, after difficulty hit last year, I would just thank God and pray for the desires of my heart. One night, at a time when I was so overwhelmed, I was praying with my husband. My husband knew that I was at the end of my rope, burnt out by all the trials I had faced- yet I was praying the same way I always did- thanking and saying "if it’s Your will." I will never forget when my husband interrupted my prayer and said "now is not the time for that kind of prayer- now is the time for you to be honest with God."

It really threw me off, because once he said that, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was almost praying to God out of superstition....thinking if I thanked Him, the bad would stop. This was all done subconsciously until this moment. And then I prayed, crying out to God like I never had before:

"You know I can handle a lot, but I cannot handle one more trial. I am tired of not hearing Your voice. I need Your guidance right now- I am burnt out, I am at the end of my rope. Intervene."

It was prob the most emotional prayer of my life. Within days He made Himself known and began turning things around in our lives.

I am so thankful for my husband and how he pushed me to grow in my walk in this way. I know it sounds crazy, but this event completely took my relationship with God to a whole new level.

I don’t know what 2012 will hold, but I declare, in faith, that this year we will no longer be in the wilderness. My God has heard my plea and has answered faithfully.

I commit to seeking balance in my life in 2012- in my relationship with Him, my husband, work, health, other relationships, what I am called to (through the gifting’s He has placed in my life) and in the thing I love to do.

Those are my resolutions if you will- Declaring in faith that He has brought us out of the wilderness (not to say trials will not happen, but that He is bringing us out of a rough season, taking our yoke upon Himself) and that I will seek balance in my life. Here's to 2012!!!

A Sign

2011-12-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago I was speaking to someone at my work. She was a Persian Christian who had received amnesty in the United States. She told me about her conversion to Christianity from Islam:

When she was 14 she felt an emptiness that would not pass. She had a wonderful family that was well off, so she did not know why. Finally she prayed to God and said "I feel so empty- give me a sign." Over the next six months Jesus appeared to her in her sleep. He told her stories from the Bible, stories she had never heard before as she had never even seen a Bible. After six months she felt lead to go downtown to a Christian church. She was handed a Bible- as she read it, she was amazed. These were the stories from her dreams. She gave her life to Christ that day.

I was amazed by her testimony- how God had so directly answered her plea when she asked for a sign. Later that day, I went to Bible study and we read out of Isaiah about King Ahaz. Two countries were swarming in on Israel. He didn’t know what to do, so he was going to essentially give up. God used Isaiah to tell him to ask for a sign. He did not and used the excuse 'I do not want to tempt the Lord.' God was angry that he did not ask for a sign. We looked at this passage in juxtaposition with one in the New Testament...when Christ's followers asked for a sign and He was angry because he had just preformed a whole bunch of miracles. This was testing God.

We concluded the difference was that it is not testing God if you ask for a sign when He has not shown you yet...as a matter of fact He encourages it. It is testing God if you keep asking for a sign when He has already shown you the direction.

So now Jer and I needed to apply this to our own lives. We prayed- God show us a sign. Should we remain where we are even though we are not 100% sure Jer will have his job back? We want to be responsible with our finance but don’t want to move too soon. You know it’s my desire to not have to move.

After two days of crying out to God for a sign, Jer got a call from his work. They said they would start work again on Jan 13th. Its a little hard for me to trust them, but it is the first time in weeks they have contacted Jer....right after we prayed. So, we will remain where we are...continuing to pray that God would direct us. We will reevaluate where we are on Jan 31st (praying that Jer does have a job then). I am a lot more at peace about it all now. Thank you Lord for teaching me this important lesson

Our Church

2011-11-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

I really love our new church- it's diverse, not uber political and most importantly it is very bibically based. The pastor is going through some of the more contriversial subjects in the bible and is handling it all in a bibical, balanced and practical way. Its really refreshing- what Jer and I have been wanting for awhile. Were looking to get involved with a mentoring ministry, apartment ministry and a small group. Cant wait to see what God does. I am so thankful He brought us to Anaheim. I love our church, community and new home (I am still amazed that God gave us such a great place).

In all of His faithfulness, I know He cares for us. He has taken care of us and will continue to- with a job for Jer, our finaces and in our walk with Him. Thank you Lord

Like David

2011-11-20T00:21:00.000-08:00

So David complained a bit in the Psalms... here is my honesty moment:

I would love for Jer to have a stable job. I would love to have enough money to not worry about paying for our bills and groceries. I would like to have enough to take our bunny to the vet for his medical needs. I wish that we wouldn't keep getting screwed financially- that we wouldnt have to worry about paying for an unfair ticket. Every time I think things are getting better, I feel like we get hit again.

But then I remember all the ways that God has provided... all of our blessings. He is faithful, even in the difficult times. I am so thankful for that. I know things could be worse and I thank the Lord for sparing us from that.

I just dont know how many more trials I can take Lord. It would be so nice not to keep getting hit so hard financially.

There is my honesty moment. I trust you and pray that You would hear my prayer...Amen.

Always Pro-Life?

2011-11-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school, I had a shirt that said "Abortion is Homicide". What a statement I made! Years later, I realized that this particular shirt may have been worn with the purist of intentions, but it did not reflect God's love.

The controversial law in Mississippi, which was not upheld this week, got me thinking a lot about the issue of being pro-life.

The way that this law was presented was that the issue of abortion was black and white. Growing up in the church, I had heard the same thing- abortion was a matter of life or death, murdering or not murdering, black and white. Essentially, this law suggested that abortion was always wrong and that life began at conception (again the same thing I had heard from the majority of the Christian community).
However, this law did not pass...in Mississippi, arguably one of the most conservative states. Why was this?

The Economist had a really funny letter to the editor last week on the issue:

SIR – I was delighted to read your article about the effort in Mississippi to pass a state constitutional amendment to recognize embryos as people from the moment of fertilization (“A person already?”, October 8th). My wife and I have been considering IVF to address our lack of success in conceiving a child. Mississippi’s proposed amendment gives us even more reason to pursue this treatment, and to move to Mississippi.

After the procedure we will insist on taking custody of any extra embryos that result from IVF—it is our right as parents after all. Once safely in our home we plan to keep them in a freezer in our basement and list them as child dependents for tax purposes, thus giving us a tax deduction. To protect the lives of our children in case of a power outage we will buy a backup generator. Anything less would be bad parenting.

I had a good laugh, noting that by technicalities (stating that personhood began at conception) this person could have actually done this if the law had passed.

I read another story about a Christian family in Mississippi who had a child through in vitro. Now with in vitro, doctors get rid of embryos that they know will not work. By that law, the family could not have another child through in vitro, because it would be ending the life of an embryo (even if it was a "bad" embryo). It was suggested that this is why a substantial amount of Christian-Right members did not vote for this law, even though they were pro-life....it hit home. Almost everyone knows someone who has tried in vitro in the Christian community.

Perhaps abortion is not a black and white issue. Perhaps pro-lifers will be abandoning the term "life begins at conception" because this law proved it is a little more complex than that.

So now we live in a world where this law was tried and failed. The Christian community recognizes that this affects some of their own members. But will the Christians community recognize that it is not black and white for people outside of the Christian community? It is not a black and white issue for an 11 year old child who became pregnant after being raped. It is not black and white for a couple who is told the mother and possibly the child will die if she carries the baby to term. It is not black and white for the woman who takes the morning after pill after a condom breaks.

Now hear me out- I am not saying that abortion is right (or wrong) in any of these cases. I just think as Christians that we need to recognize that it is not a black and white issue. We need to love those in our own community and those outside of our community who are faced with these difficult choices. We need to ask God for His wisdom. But more than anything, we need to be much more loving when it comes to this subject.

Lord give us Your wisdom, guidance and love when it comes to this matter. Amen.

Trusting God in All Seasons

2011-11-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

We were hit with some tough news this week. Now it is our choice- if we are going to trust in God or if we are going to let fear dictate. Lord, let our path be directed by You, let us go to You in prayer always.

A sweet friend sent me a note the other day (in the spirit of Thanksgiving) listing off the reasons she was thankful for me. It really made my day and encouraged me in the gifts God has given me. It served as a reminder of those gifts and to pray about how I can use them more for His glory.

This same friend told us about an opportunity that totally fits in Jerry and my heart for ministry. We need to learn more and pray more, but I am really excited about this.

Tried a new church that we love. I share many similar convictions and love the way the pastor treated God's word with reverence, truth, completion and practicality. It was awesome.

So Lord- I end this with a simple request: Have me pray more. I want to be in constant communication with you. I want our steps to be guided by you. I want to serve You. Help me do this. Amen

Hey Peterman!

2011-10-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

Jerry and I have noted that we both feel as if almost all stress has been removed from our lives. It’s like Peter from Office Space, post hypnosis. We have our own place, are more secure financially and do not have an awful commute anymore! I think I was clinging onto weight due to stress because as soon as we moved in I have already lost a few pounds without really changing my routine.

I am so blessed by my job. Though it can be hectic at times, I realize that I have so much fulfillment from this job-it’s a great ministry, I have a great boss and co-workers, I enjoy using my gifts and talents and I wake up excited to go to work. Thank you Lord for blessing us with this apartment, work and so many other things- we are so thankful!

Yesterday we held a memorial service for my great-grandmother. She was 95 years old. Longevity definitely runs in my family and she was blessed with a wonderful life. She was one of the sweetest and funniest people I have ever known and I will miss her very much. Times like these often make those surrounding think of their own mortality. Life is interesting- it seems so short, yet we are blessed with so many memories and chapters. I would love to take some time to reflect on all that has happened in my life- maybe jot it down. Then I think on my birthday each year I will reflect on that year- I imagine it will be interesting to see all that has happened. Life is such a gift. I am so thankful that God gave me an amazing partner in crime to go through life with.

Jer has gained 20 lbs and I am so thankful. I am beginning to see all the signs of his hyperthyroidism diminish. We are so blessed to live in a day and age where he can take medicine and see these kind of results. I am so glad to have my husby back!

What a Year!

2011-09-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

It has been crazy lately, and as a result I have not been diligent about blogging. Hopefully I will be able to blog consistently again in the near future.

We have had our fair share of trials and tribulations this year. It started with our former employers changing our status on our W2 without our knowledge. As a result, we owed $3K in tax returns (there went our entire savings for the move). Then we hit a deer (actually he ran into us), a $2K expense. We were told we owed a $500 bill that I had been assured three different times we did not owe. My husband landed in the hospital with a Thyroid crisis (another hefty bill) and our car was broken into (with many expensive items in my wallet stolen).

So we ended up being a great deal poorer than expected and a lot more stressed out. It was frustrating because we planned ahead financially, but still ended up in this situation.

Looking back on it, I note it as a time where God was working on my faith in Him. See, when planning ahead financially, I was in control. I had to lose that control to fully trust God with our lives. And you know what? He came through every single month. When I didn’t think that we would have enough money for groceries, Jerry’s parents randomly gave us a gift card for Stater Bros. When I didn’t think we would have enough money to pay for the unexpected bill, we were given a love gift for the amount.

It’s the trials and tribulations that strengthen our faith. God blessed us with the opportunity to rent a place in Anaheim. My human side worries that another major trial is going to happen and we won’t have enough money. But then I am reminded of what the Lord has taught me in this year and I realize that even if that does happen, He is in control. Lord, help me to remember the amazing lesson that you have taught me. Thank you for taking care of your children. Amen.

Camping

2011-07-25T22:31:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how God always takes care of us. Just when it feels like we won’t have enough to make it, He provides in an amazing way. Lord, help me to continue to put my trust in you.

Our pool is out of commission. I am doing aerobics in the meantime, but I am hoping that the pool will be fixed soon, as I am not seeing the same weight loss results as I do with swimming (probably because it is the highest caloric burning workout).

Jer has an interview on Friday. If you have a moment, would you pray for him? This would be an amazing opportunity for us. We would be so thankful for this.

Random thought- Do you think that the Garden of Eden was destroyed by the flood? It was something that Jer and I had talked about.

We are going camping on Saturday...I can't wait :)

I have been sucking at doing devotions. I think I am going to try to do them during lunch. We’ll see how it goes. It is sad that I need a schedule, but as an adult I see that my days disappear before my eyes. Lord, please help me to be able to do this. I love spending time with you. You are my all and I want to show that to you by spending time with you. Amen.

Curses

2011-07-18T23:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in Church the pastor talked about blessings and curses. I was not a huge fan of the way the pastor was teaching (he was a guest pastor), so in the middle of the sermon I prayed that God would humble my heart to be able to hear what He needed me to hear.

One thing that did stand out to me was the sins of a family. These are sins that you may not necessarily have, but that may come up because of your family. Jerry and I talked about these and the need to pray about them.

If you think about it, we would appreciate prayer for Jer to find a job too. Thanks!

Flowers for Algernon

2011-07-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

A few years back I read a book entitled Flowers for Algernon. It is the tale of a mentally disabled young man who agrees to be apart of science experiment that could potentailly make him "smart" (in his words). SPOILER ALERT! Through this process he becomes one of the smartest men in the world. However, after only a few months into this new life, his mind begins to slowly deteriorate to it's original state.

I kind of feel like this is happening in one part of my life. For so long hope was gone, then through a quick series of events, I encountered an amazing climatic state of bliss, joy and contentment. However, it feels as if things could return to the way they once were- following the steps of Algernon. Everything in me wants to believe there is still hope for this sinking ship, but I still feel despair.

Perhaps it will have the same fate as Algernon, perhaps there is still more to be written. Only God knows- so I wait on Him and seek Him. Lord, please guide me through this. I feel hopeless- I once had joy about this situation, but I feel as if that joy has gone away. I want to trust in You through this. Amen.

On a seperate note,I am trying to give Lord of the Rings a shot. No offense to you LOTR fans, but it is really not my cup of tea. I am not naturally a fantasy person, so I am admittedly out of my element. However, I have the feeling that many of the characters do not have the depth that many claim. Themes such as loyalty seem to be a stretch to me. Perhaps Tolkien merely meant for the books to be sprinkled lightly with these themes and others have read too much into them over the years. I don't know. I do know that I will continue to try to watch these movies with an open mind and open eyes (as I fell asleep the first time I attempted to watch the movies) :)

Well it is time to retreat so I can shower- night!

I'm Back!

2011-06-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

So it’s been awhile since I have blogged. I tried to start up a few times in grad school- but my masters took up my life, so it was near impossible. Now- for the first time in a long time, I have time to blog.

I really have missed it. It was great to write about spiritual matters and just growing up. I realize that writing helps me process a lot.

We found a new church I think. I love the way that they preach the word and how diverse it is. Time will tell, but I really like this church so far. I think we’re looking to join a small group too. Being in Maryville made me realize how as an extravert I need fellowship. We really have missed that. I feel like being with others really strengthens my relationship with Christ. I have been trying to increase the time I spend with God more too. Just talking with Him is amazing sometimes. It’s hard to put into words, but I just need more of Him.

We are pretty poor right now, but I am really thankful for this stage in life. It makes me focus on working out, writing, music and learning Spanish (all things that are free). It’s also nice because we know that we can make rent, pay our student loans and will always have food from family. Life is good!

Well, I will keep the first blog short and sweet. I am going to try to blog once a week (hopefully more :))

A few things that have been on my mind

2010-08-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

I read a great book called "I Once was Lost". It describes ministry in the post-modern era. According to the book, there are 5 Thresholds during ministry:

1. Distrust to Trust
2. Complacent to Curious
3. Closed to Change to Open to Change
4. Meandering to Seeking
5. Cross the threshold of the kingdom itself

The book also pointed out a few other important things while witnessing:

• Ask questions
• Use an NPR story instead of Passion of the Christ
• ATTIC (Affirm, Translate, Transparent, Insert yourself as a case study, Challenge)

I loved this book!

Next I am working on getting in better shape. I found this weight loss calculator online and discovered that with my body type, I will lose 1.5pounds a week if I stick to my workout and 1300 calories a day. So that will take 3 months, but at least I have a frame of reference so I won't get frustrated. I am eating 6 small things a day and my typical schedule looks like this:

12pm-slimfast=200 cal
2pm-beef jerky=100 cal
4pm-crackers=150 cal
6pm-dinner=550 cal
8pm-Popsicle=100 cal
10pm-slimfast=200 cal

I know the times look late, but this is my schedule. We work late, but at least we are on PST :)

Finally, I made my bucket list. Here it is:

1. Read Time’s 100 Best Novels
2. Watch IMDBs top 250 Movies
3. Try a new food once a month
4. Be the best minister of the gospel I can be
5. Visit all 50 States
6. Visit all 7 continents
7. See all my favorite bands in concert
8. Visit the following places
a. Egypt
b. Israel
c. Laos
d. Thailand
e. Cambodia
f. India
g. Russia
h. China
i. Japan
j. Korea
k. Tanzania
l. Kenya (climb Mt. Kilimanjaro)
m. Morocco
n. Spain
o. Brazil
p. Argentina
q. Venezuela
r. Australia
s. Ester Islands
t. South Pacific
u. Indonesia
9. Do a Triathlon
10. Publish a book
11. Sell/Promote my art
12. Record a CD
13. Be fluent in Sign Language, Spanish and on other language (I think Arabic)

A Call to Reform

2010-08-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

I hate stating political opinions and strive not to in my facebook statuses. So when I thanked Jesus for the ruling in AZ, I feel like I need to elaborate a little further as to my beliefs. There are two moral dilemmas in politics right now that I believe need further analysis and explanation.

First, the Arizona situation. The governor of Arizona has attempted to pass two major laws since entering office. The first being immigration reform and the second banning ethnic studies. Both of these laws seem to attack the ethnic minority, specifically Hispanics. The main issues I have with this are that people are being racially profiled. As is, my husband gets pulled over all the time for “Driving while Brown”. With this new law, he would get pulled over and be required to show 3 forms of ID. If I were pulled over, I would not. This is racial profiling, which is supposed to be illegal in this country. This brings me to an amazing quote:

"It is absolutely reminiscent of second class status of Jews in Germany prior to World War II when they had to have their papers with them at all times and were subject to routine inspections at the suspicion of being Jewish," Rep. Jared Polis

This law treats Hispanics as second class citizens. And like the Jews before WWII, they are being blamed for unemployment. I’m not trying to sound crazy and claim that were going to have a holocaust here. Nor am I suggesting that this is anything like what they went through. I am just pointing out warning signs of history repeating itself, starting off by treating some as second class citizens.

Immigration needs reform, but racism is not the answer. Consider this:

1 John 3: 15-18
If you hate each other, you are murderers, and we know that murderers do not have eternal life. We know what love is because Jesus gave his life for us. That's why we must give our lives for each other. If we have all we need and see one of our own people in need, we must have pity on that person, or else we cannot say we love God. Children, you show love for others by truly helping them, and not merely by talking about it.

That is so impactful, isn’t it? That last verse is so convicting to me, especially as I sit here and blog.

Next topic: Prop 8

I love democracy. Whenever it is disregarded, I get an uneasy feeling. So that part of today’s decision upset me. However, there is more to this multifaceted political/moral dilemma.

I believe that our God, being sovereign and good, allows us to choose to follow Him. We can either follow him or choose sin. So, I think our government should not force those who do not choose to follow the bible to. We are not God, only he can judge. If people choose to participate in same-sex marriage, God is not stopping them and neither should we. He allows them to choose a life following world, or following him. We should just be witnessing and letting them know what they bible thinks of this, not forcing them to do what we believe is right.

With that said, marriage is a sacred vow between God, a man and woman. It seems to degrade marriage in the biblical Christian context.

So here enters my next theory: Separation of Church and State.

Marriage should be granted to all couples, but in legal terms only (not the vow before God). We will call these civil unions for all. By separating church and state, marriage (the non legal binding vow before God) can remain a religious act. That way, there is true separation of church and state, yet equality. Homosexuals are not the only ones who have attempted to change this sacred vow, people have been disregarding the sacredness of marriage for a long time; the divorce rate is over 50% and people marry multiple times. Why are we Christians ostracizing homosexuals alone on this issue? Many people are at fault for this and that is why we need what the constitution lays out for us: the Separation of Church and State.

The status Quo sucks. We need reform. What should we do?

2010-05-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy past few weeks, but it is all coming to an end. The kids graduate in less than two weeks and Jer and I head off to Europe in less than a month! Can't wait!

Humanity is an interesting thing… even more so Divinity. In juxtaposition, I am awestruck. Whenever I am so desperately failing, and seek Him, he intervenes. No matter how many times I fail at the same thing, He answers my call. I am so thankful for that and the growth that He allows in me. It seems simplistic, but it still amazes me.

Your grace, your love
I'm so undeserving,
My faults reflect your awesomeness
That you would still love me

Let me not sin, so grace will abound
But to strive to live for you, not me
Glorifying you
In word, thought and deed

I'm Back!

2010-04-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

It has been forever....I know. My dear friend Jon Skaar brought up blogging in a facebook note and I then realized how long it had been since I have been on here. I will try to be more diligent about blogging because I love it! It is a wonderful way to work things out, to self evaluate, to share what is happening spiritually, physically and otherwise in my life. So here we go...

I am ready for the end of the year. I love my job, but I do need a break from some aspects (along with school). I am so happy with where I am currently. Last year this time I was finishing up a challenging job and was away from Jer. I am married and loving everything that I do.

I have been doing an exercise program called Insanity and I love it. I have been trying to lose some of the weight I put on this winter and it seems to be helping slowly but surely. I am a part of an instant gratification generation, so I think I need to be a little more patient in the results. I have also been working very hard on eating right, so we will see if my efforts pay off. I sure hope they do soon :)

This is the part of the blog I need the most: the spiritual part of my life. Jer and I have been trying to read a chapter from the bible every night. Currently we are reading Romans and I forgot how much I love that book, especially chapter 6. Paul's words sound like a conversation I have with myself. "I know sin is wrong, but I do it...why do I do it if I love God and He is so much better than sin....sin is no good, why am I drawn?" Makes me feel better that Paul had the same conversation that I have with myself daily, but I do get frustrated. God has helped me come a long way, but it seems almost inevitable that I will say something that is not pleasing to Him. Whether a crass comment, sarcasm, a curse word or something about someone, my tongue is like that described in James 3. Here enters my instant gratification again I suppose. I know God is at work in me, but I am not patient. I also feel like I only focus on what needs to be fixed rather than all the ways that He has helped me grow. I need a more balanced approach to this...to thank Him for His goodness and pray that I might honor Him more. Your prayers are greatly appreciated. Here is the other thing.....I feel a as though I am lagging in my spirituality. I am very busy, which I have been for the past 6 years of my life. However, in years past, I was surrounded by Christianity: at Vanguard it was there....in Oregon I was very involved in church and weekly small group. Now with my current job I am lucky if I make it to church once a week. I know this is most likely the fountainhead of the issue, but I know God is bigger than my busy work and grad school schedule. Lord meet me where I am, so desperately needing more of you in my life. Help me to honoring you in word, thought and deed and let our ministry be for you Lord....that those who see Your light through us will want more of you. Let us be on fire for you. Amen.

Always feel so much better after that. There are a few other stress factors in my life, but I know my God is in control of that and will guide me.

Ok...so my goal is to blog once a week....I can do that :)

2009-11-25T00:08:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. I have not blogged in forever. I have not had anytime to breath this semester. But the this is one of the first things I am doing on my Thanksgiving break.

I also got to paint. Got me thinking about the times senior year at Vanguard when the girls and I would paint. I loved those times. It can be such a neat time to connect with God too. I want to play my guitar tomorrow for the same reason.

I am reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Really good.

I am so excited for Christmas! The season starts in 2 days. And my childhood dream is being fulfilled, going to NY at Christmas time. God has blessed us with so much.

22 days til so cal! cant wait :)

Since its been awhile

2009-09-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

I get to go to So Cal in 4 more days. I am flying out for a work conference, but I am super excited because I will be able to see a bunch of my friends and loved ones. I have been a little lame and have been texting everyone about how excited I am. The only part that could be better is if my sweet husband came along. He is still trying to devise a plan to convince my employer that it is needed for husbands to come too :)

We went to Chicago last week and saw U2. It is an amazing city and the concert was beyond amazing. It was better than I could have ever imagined. It is difficult to describe, but I would encourage everyone to experience a U2 concert if they can. While there we went to the Art Institute. We saw many original works of art, including the American Gothic. It was really inspiring. I really loved the modern art section.

I am starting to work on my book again, but I am going a new direction. I am really excited!

My friends who know me know that I get along with most people. I am a person who strives to find the good in everyone; it’s rare when I don’t. It’s not something I push myself towards, it’s just a natural reaction....I don’t know why. So when I encounter people who it is difficult to find qualities that I deem as good, I get really frustrated. I have had this happen a few times and it truly saddens me. God and I have had a few conversations about loving people as he does. I DO NOT deserve to be loved by God. I have sin that I emulate daily. Yet he still loves me. I want that same kind of love as He has. He is granting it to me. Granted discernment is a gift from Him as well, so I will remember that. But Love does not hold grudges/keep records of wrong. Love is wise but loves above all. Grant me that amazing love for everyone I pray Lord!

It always seems that my update on my spiritual walk is the longest... Probably because God has so much to work on :)

It is really fun to be back in school. I am enjoying life so much! I think I have discovered the best thing about marriage.....pillow talk. The best thing on earth is talking and snuggling before you fall asleep each night. I am so thankful for this and for my amazing husband. I also love our little escapes from the job....even if it is as simple as getting a coke at the DQ (name that movie). Life is Wonderful.

Hello Again

2009-08-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have had a few realizations lately:

1. I am happy with where I am at. Last year at this time I was in Oregon. I liked my church and I liked where I was living, but one of my jobs was stressful, I had no car and the days seemed to move slowly. I was so happy when my work flew me down to So Cal for a meeting, because it was a much needed break. I moved to Oregon in July and they flew me down in September. That seemed like a very long amount of time. Today, a year later, I just booked my flight for the same annual meeting. I am excited to fly out and see everyone, but I am not counting down the days. I think it is because I am happy with where I am at. I am married and with Jerry every day. We have our own amazing place. I am about to start school. I love both of my jobs. I have awesome friends. Life is great and I can’t believe were already half way through August.

2. I think I am destined to be a cartoonist wherever I go. I love it

3. I am dealing with major culture shock. Here are a few things about Missouri:
a. Everyone smokes out here. Teenagers do it out in the open too. It’s crazy
b. I overheard a girl in Chipotle ordering a quesadilla and pronounced it including the ll’s. The lunch lady at the caf called enchiladas “enchiladies”.
c. I have had debates with people whether or not Missouri is the Midwest or the South. I have figured out the answer. The north is the Midwest. St. Louis and below would be considered the South. I can say that after going to both. The cultural difference is astronomical. They call it “Missora” in the south.
d. Things seem segregated here. People of particular races hang out with their same race. I have just noticed this on campus, so I can’t over generalize for all of Missouri but it is quite obvious here.

4. A lot of people are big here. I know this is a direct link to how much people eat here, because eating is a huge part of culture out here. People will get like 3 plates of food. I have had to make it a personal goal to only get a small plate of food in the caf and to work out hard core every day. Luckily I have a wonderful husband and good friends working out with me. I have been learning tennis and I like it a lot.

5. I have grown so much in one year. I don’t say this to brag, but to show how good God is. A year ago I don’t know if I would have been brave enough to follow my heart since the ones I loved were against it. I no longer feel guilt about this; I no longer feel anxiety about this. I now feel I am where I am supposed to be. God is good.

6. Jer and I have been playing guitar together lately. We want to sing and play guitar at a local java joint. I also want to get back into doing art again.

7. Church is different out here. Hokey is the best way to describe it. But I have learned a lot from a different atmosphere. My pastor brought up a good point about the church. First he showed us that the Lord’s Prayer does not have first person pronouns, it is inclusive to everyone. Our Father, Give us. Were in this together, our relationship with the Lord is not only personal but is meant to be a community relationship. Our pastor also brought up the point that our patience is developed by those who frustrate us, mercy by those who need it from us. What better place to develop this than the church? J It made me laugh but it was a good point and it was a good reminder that though this church is different from what I am used to, it is a great place for me to be at this junction in my walk.

8. Last but not least. I am blessed. I have amazing friends all over the world. Jer is amazing. We have been doing devotionals together and praying together every night. It is so neat to do this as husband and wife. I love where I am at. God is so good.

I'm Married

2009-07-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

Jer pointed out that I have not blogged in awhile....prob because we have been on the run so much. Married life is amazing. It has been so fun to be in So Cal...but I cant wait to settle in our apartment and paint and decorate.

My nails are long. I need to trim them. It is a little difficult to type.

I am also excited for Donna band practice.

My boss and I were supposed to have a lunch appointment with another co-worker on Thursday but he remembered that was the day he fasted. He fasts every Thursday. I thought that was really neat/convicting. I cant remember the last time I fasted....I want to do that.

Speaking of Godlythings....Kyo and Jer are trying to get me to watch Old Boy....dont know if I will.....

32 more days

2009-05-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

But who is counting?

I suck at blogging as of recently. I have been super busy with things (which I guess seems about right a few weeks before my wedding). But I love reading my friends blogs and knowing what is going on in their lives. I guess I will just have to wait till I get back in a normal schedule to be at my blogging best (that could be August).

I love the song Christmas TV by Slow Club. Jerry introduced it to me. It reminds me a lot of us and makes me miss him so much it hurts. But with my masochist tendencies, I have been listening to it on repeat.

Packing all this week. Weird....it is here. I will be in So Cal on Saturday. I know God will continue to take care of me financially, but I am still stressed to be honest. I also hope I keep up a normal exercise routine when I am down there. I know it is going to be crazy, but I want to be in shape for the wedding, you know? The frickin pill.

I'm seriously so over being hurt and hurting for the ones I love. God please bring healing and reconciliation. I can't handle this anymore. I am tired of the way I ache. You know how much I can handle.

meh

2009-04-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything in awhile. I am neurotic and love number points, so here is what has been on my mind:

1. I had my last day of work. That job really helped me develop as a whole person. I learned a lot, especially what hard work is. I had to wake up early and take the bus to and fro for most of it. I have a whole new respect for the average blue collar worker now. Though I am still working for Open Doors part time, I barely have any money now. I have been stressed about finances. I have credit card, rent and loans to pay and hate being in debt. Jerry is really good at having the whole faith thing. I suck at it. Even though God has come through every single time, I still doubt....even when I know it will all be good in a couple months. Why? Lord help me to have faith that moves mountains, for I know that you care for me. Forgive me for doubting.

2. I have a little over 2 weeks left up here in Oregon. I will also go to Indianapolis in that time...which is super sweet. I am going for a work conference. I have been looking up cool things to do there. I love traveling. After that, I will head back down to So Cal. I am really looking forward to the few weeks I have down there before the wedding. I will be staying with relatives and friends. I am really looking forward to being with my sister though. I have missed her a lot. I am really looking forward to our adventures of old....dollar ice cream at rite aid, dollar theatre, borders. I can’t wait!!!! Anywho, this year has been phenomenal. God has taught me so much....really feels like it was a time of preparation....

3. Which leads me to my next point. This has felt like a prep time. God has plugged me into an amazing church, has allowed me time to study his word and form a biblically based worldview on subjects that we deal with in today's society. I have felt a calling on my life since I was young, a calling to do great things for the Lord. I don’t know what it looks like....but I don’t want to miss it. He has done a lot to prepare me and I am ready for whatever it is. I have talked with Cor and Jer about this and have had this confirmed. What is it though God? I am ready (I think)

4. I am a broken person. I am continually hurt by some very close people in my life. Every time that I think the wound has been healed, it is ripped open, stabbed multiple times and left with gore all over the place. I hate that it happens to me....but I hate even more that it happens to my sister. I wish things could be reconciled. I wish that the love that was once present could return. I wish that I wasn't treated as an outcast, as a horrible person. I wish that we could be together again. I wish these things and God knows the desires of my heart. He can do anything. I trust and believe in Him. I praise him for the support He has blessed me with, with relatives and close friends. He is good.

5. Next year will be amazing. Marrying an amazing man of God, my best friend. I get to fall asleep in his arms every night. I get to snuggle up with him on our couch, in our apartment to watch a movie. I get to work at an AMAZING job with him next year. The Lord is an amazing provider and has blessed me so.

Person of the Week-Week 15

2009-04-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Brian Burhenn

He is a dear friend and a cynical one too :) I am very thankful for Brian. If there is one word for Brian it is loyal....loyal to his friends, country, marines and the Republican party :) (I hope he reads this) Heres to you Brian!

Person of the Week-Week 14

2009-04-07T17:48:00.001-07:00

Jerry's Family

I know it is supposed to be "Person of the Week" but I had to do a shout out to Jer's fam. They are selfless people full of love and have been so accepting. They are wonderful examples of who Christ is. I am so blessed to be apart of this family in 66 days :) Here's to you Fuentes Family!!!

Sorry I miss a couple weeks. Things have been busy :)

Sorry I have been away for a bit

2009-04-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

I was in So cal for Spring Break. Jer and I got our marriage licence, did some pre marital counceling with Bill, had some meetings with Open Doors and got to see family and friends. It was a nice and much needed break :)

I was officially offered the G.A. position at North West State Missouri University. I get to work in res life and activities planning, while getting free housing, food and school. And its only part time, so I get to keep working for Open Doors part time too :)

God is good. He continues to do amazing things for us. I am so undeserving.

Person of the Week- Week 13

2009-03-17T10:19:00.001-07:00

Katie Froberg

This week's person of the week goes to my dear roommate Katie. Katie is always faithful to put others before herself (offering rides, venting sessions etc). She is the life of the party and always makes me laugh. You can bet that you will be entertained for hours when you are around her. She has a heart for helping the voiceless and is so passionate. Here's to you Katie Froberg!!!

Dang

2009-03-16T00:24:00.000-07:00

So...

God has done a mighty work with my relatives. I have all of their support! Amazing. I still cant believe it. I now have faith He can complete this good work because...

This morning in church Pastor Jess was praying and he said that God wanted to heal us of physical, emotional and relational pain. My mind went to my back (which has felt like I have had a pinched nerve for the past week) and to my family. I then kind of dismissed my back thing and kept praying. Then Pastor Jess said....God wants to heal someone's back....the moment he said that I felt immediate relief. I thought that word would have been for someone else, not me....my pain seemed insignificant. I leaned over to Corri, Carrie and Amos and told them. They told me to tell Pastor Jess that after the sermon...I did and he thanked me and told me he loved hearing that because it gave him courage to speak up when God gives him something again (I love how vulnerable he is). When God healed my back he brought to mind right away what my grandpa had said "My God healed my eyes...he can heal anything, especially relationships". I felt God healing my back today, though my pain seemed insignificant was a reminder that He can do anything and cares about all my worries. I have complete faith great things are still to come before June 12th

I judge people. Its really bad.....I like to call it realism or discernment....but its really judging. There is this guy who leads worship who can be kind of showy and I get annoyed. God put it on my heart that this person's sin might be more outward than mine, but that I am just as guilty....with my inward sin that may not be apparent to the whole world. It was a kick in the butt...realizing I was having a horrible heart while pretending to worship my God.....so now I need to work on this.

Went to St. Paddy's Day festival in the City....amazing!!! Had a Guinness and bangers sandwich, saw Irish dancers and a few Irish bands. So fun!!

My best friend threw Corri and I a bridal shower.....so much fun!!!! We went to this classy fondue place and played fun games and got gifts. Most of you know that I love embarrassing people, especially when it comes to honeymoon things.....the thing is I can dish it but I cant take it. I was turning bright red as I was opening up lingerie gifts.....so embarrassing. Fun nonetheless :)

Person of the Week- Week 12

2009-03-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Corri Vaughan

Most of you know and love Corri. Corri is one of the most loyal friends I know. I have lost count of how many times she lets me vents and walks through things with me. She is fun, faithful and super good at jeopardy too. Here's to you Corri!!!

God is at work in a mighty way...let me tell you. He has been making some situations I foresaw as impossible, not only possible but blessed. This trial is not quite over yet, but it is amazing how much He has done in the past few days. Praying He will continue to do His perfect work

I would like to take this moment to apologize for my use of the term "grow a pair" in the last post. That is a gross expression....I often find myself using terms that I really don’t think of the blatant connotation (i.e. bitchin). I am trying to eliminate that out of my speech. James 3, right?

It’s a hectic day today....I am so excited for spring break!!! It isn’t really going to be a restful one per say, but it will be nice to have a break from at least one of my jobs. Jerry and I get to get our marriage license, see relatives and friends, get haircuts, he will see the price is right and I will get to go to Open Doors. It should be a really good one. 3 months and 2 days :)

By the end of this month I will know if I got the Graduate Assistant job I applied for and if I got into Grad school.....waiting on pins and needles :)

Praise Him

2009-03-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

So I was making myself sick with anxiety about a conversation I was going to have today. I finally grew a pair and did it. God not only made the conversation better than I could have ever imagined, he has granted me amazing peace. Why do I doubt still?

Person of the Week- Week 11

2009-03-03T12:12:00.001-08:00

Carrie Yarbrough

She is the one in the middle. :) Carrie and I were RA's together at VU and now she is one of my wonderful roommates. She has a servants heart and really blesses others. She is a photographer on the side and puts all the money she makes doing that into her non profit to help kids in Africa. Likewise she blesses her friends (she is photographing my wedding for free). She also has an awesome work ethic, as a teacher she goes above and beyond to care for her kids. Here's to you Carrie Yarbrough!

I got to see Jer this weekend. I can’t wait to be married :) Nobody on earth makes me laugh like he does. We just have so much fun together. We made dinner and watched the Simpsons and played rockband with friends, did wedding stuff and devotionals and watched some awesome old school videos on hulu. Whenever I go there I usually stay at either his friend Amea's or Lisa's. We were commenting on how our actions really speak out to others....everyone was shocked that we didn’t just stay together. It was a good reminder that actions are louder than words and that we are not only staying pure to honor God, but it is an awesome witness.......i think I can do 3 1/2 more months :)

Person of the Week-Week 10

2009-02-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

Ange St. Hilare

She is pretty much amazing. If you subscribe to her blog, you will just get a glimpse as to why. Ange was a co-worker of mine and always made going to work rather enjoyable, because I knew we would either be having an intellectual theological or political discussion, play an awesome prank or just laugh a ton. Ange has a wonderful heart and is a great example of caring for those in need. She is dedicating almost a year of her life to spreading knowledge about the AIDS epidemic and I know she is already influencing many. Here's to you Ange!!!

Frambly

2009-02-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

Last night Corri was about to call Kyo on Skype and right as she was connecting, Mo and Jason called. I heard their voices and ran over to Corri's bed. It was so wonderful to chat with them. Corri then got the idea to conference in Kyo. The four of us were chatting and then Michelle came on and we added her. Then I told Jerry to sign on and all 7 of us were chatting. It was a mini frambly reunion. I hadn't laughed that hard in awhile. I love these friends more than words can describe and cant even begin to describe how much I miss them. I mean my sides were aching from laughing so much (haven’t had that happen in awhile) but realized that was a daily occurrence with that crew. Its amazing to have friends who appreciate you for who you are and love the dorky things about you (and I feel the same way about them). I love the guys who have entered as significant others too....they blend right in. I am so blessed :)

I think I have mentioned Curtis before, my bus driver. He is a very outspoken Christian (which I love). He told me today that he is shocked he hasn't been called into the office yet for his Christianity....being that he talks about it all the time. He told me he doesn't think it is good to force it upon people, but thinks its just as bad if we go our day without talking about our faith. I told him that I thought the joy that people saw from his life wasn’t forceful, rather they would associate that joy with Jesus and a seed would be planted. He gave a church card to a gal on the bus and yesterday we had a devotion with our friend Diana. The bus schedule is going to change soon which I am bummed about. One more week with Curtis. I think I have learned a lot this year, this is just one of the things I have learned.

I had coffee with a gal from my small group last night and kind of filled her in with my family situation and the wedding. I realized that I was no longer feeling guilty about things....God has really helped me overcome some false anxieties. She was very encouraging and brought up some very good points. I am thankful for the new work God continues to do in me and pray that I can please Him in all that I do....taking each of these lessons to heart.

Person of the Week-Week 9

2009-02-17T17:25:00.000-08:00

Rachel Stewert

So those of you who know her, know she is pretty darn awesome. She has an amazing heart for God and others. She is a great example of God's love and equates that love to the office as well (which gets you 100 cool points in my book). I am thankful for the way that she cares about me and others. Here's to you Rachel!!!

This is sweet

2009-02-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

So here is an awesome passage. We read the word together as a church, and this is today’s passage. It is a good reminder for me with what I am going through in my walk right now. To love the Lord with all that I am, He has done all this for me:

Psalm 103 (New Living Translation)
Psalm 103
A psalm of David.
1 Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. 2 Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. 3 He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases. 4 He redeems me from death and crowns me with love and tender mercies. 5 He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!
6 The Lord gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly.
7 He revealed his character to Moses and his deeds to the people of Israel. 8 The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. 9 He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. 10 He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. 11 For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. 12 He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. 13 The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. 14 For he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust. 15 Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. 16 The wind blows, and we are gone— as though we had never been here. 17 But the love of the Lord remains forever with those who fear him. His salvation extends to the children’s children 18 of those who are faithful to his covenant, of those who obey his commandments!
19 The Lord has made the heavens his throne; from there he rules over everything.
20 Praise the Lord, you angels, you mighty ones who carry out his plans, listening for each of his commands. 21 Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels who serve him and do his will! 22 Praise the Lord, everything he has created, everything in all his kingdom.
Let all that I am praise the Lord.

Person of the Week-Week 8

2009-02-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

Heidi Giacomantonio

I love her. She is always so encouraging and always has the most heartfelt things to say. She is truly a woman after God's own heart. She cares deeply for her friends as well as the rest of the world. She puts others before herself and is one of the best examples of Christ I know. Heres to you Heidi.

A New Name

2009-02-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

The Presidents having trouble getting people on board. He just needs a cool name like FDR did... The New Deal. My thoughts:

Barack's Bitchin' plan

I'll Save You!!!!

or

Super Deal

Luke 10:27

2009-02-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

And he answered, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF."

I was recently reminded of this time in jr. high when my mom and I had just had an argument. It was right before one of my band recital and she was upset with me. She told me we would talk about it later, after the recital. Well it was the final part of the recital and we were about to start. I noticed that this kid I knew in a wheelchair needed assistance, so I helped him...hoping my mom would see. Now mind you that I probably would have helped anyways, but my main purpose was so that my mom could see what a compassionate person I was and not stay mad at me. It worked. We got home and she told me that she saw what I had done. "What?" I said, playing dumb. "Putting someone before yourself. You got a late start on that last song because you were helping someone else." We hugged and I didn’t have to worry about anymore arguments for that night.

I look back at that story with shame. It’s what psychologist call the "Good Girl/Good Boy syndrome"....kids doing good to get praise, not because they want to be good. I feel like that often occurs in my life. I sometimes do things because I think they will look good to God, not because I have a desire to be good.

So this verse.....I heard a sermon about this once. The emphasis was on the mind part. Striving to grow in an intellectual relationship with Him. I really liked that and it helped me to grow a lot. Now I sometimes feel like it’s too much of my mind. I feel like I am able to conceptualize aspects of God intellectually, but my heart behind it is not equal. I was doing things like in jr high again....in my mind I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was doing it for selfish reason, not from my heart.

God I want a renewed love of you. Not just mind, but with ALL my soul ,heart, strength and mind. Put a desire in me so strong to feel your presences in every aspect of my life. Forgive when I do things out of selfish ambition. Let everything be purely for you.

Person of the Week- Week 7

2009-02-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

Katie Barrett

This week's person of the week is dedicated to my sister. She is one of the funniest people I know. She always seems to know what I am feeling and is one of the only people who knows what I am thinking. She has a huge heart for her friends and is empathetic towards those who are hurting. She is there to let me vent whenever I need to. I love my sister more than words can describe. Heres to you Katie Barrett!!!

I am deathly ill right now. I spewed this morning....can't even hold down water. I have this horrible cough too; I believe the medical definition is "The Black Lung". But alas I am at work :)
This morning on the bus, Curtis (my bus driver) and Diana (my bff at the bus stop) were the only ones on the bus. They saw I was sick and Curtis recommended that they pray for healing for me :) So we did. It was so sweet.

On the plane home last night I was really sick and was sitting between a nice gay couple. They were making references to that twilight zone where the gremlin was on the wing and offering me tissues.

I miss Jerry more than words can describe. I am heartsick for him. I know its only 4 more months, but I don’t know if I can do it.

Economic Plan

2009-01-30T11:27:00.000-08:00

Here is a good article about Obama's plan that passed in the House (with no Republican support) and is on it's way to Senate. I agree that there are a few unneeded portions in this package, but being the math nerd that I am, I added up the one's that I couldn't see directly stimulating the economy and it came to 7 billion. 7 billion is a lot, don’t get me wrong. But 7 billion out of 900 billion isn’t the worst idea in the world. My take? I wish Obama would trim things out like global warming research (which is a good thing, when we have money for it), and maybe even cut back on things that will directly stimulate the economy, so we don’t have 900 billion to add to our debt. I guess the national debt was this bad before once. It wasn't even during the Depression...it was post WWII. So that makes me feel better. Let’s pray that this does something good for our economy and that the President, House and Senate would refrain from unnecessary spending until we can afford it.

Liar (liar) if were keeping score

2009-01-29T09:07:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I hate that band, but the lyrics seemed an appropriate title for this post. Upon reading the Portland Tribune this morning, I found myself a little upset. For those of you who don’t live in Portland, our mayor was found to have lied about his sexual relationship with a younger male. Originally he claimed there were no relations, now he is claiming that they did have sex, but it was after the boy was 18. Technically nothing (by the information we now have) is illegal about this, but the mayor did lie. This article was basically saying that everyone lies, doctors, lawyers, politicians....so we shouldn't be too hard on this guy. I don't know what kind of society we now live in where we are OK with people lying to us, that we merely accept it. I mean I am not going to be the first to cast a stone here, I am guilty of lying too; but it shouldn’t just be excused. There is a difference between forgiveness & repentance and just excusing someone. Arghhhhhh!!!!

Bible Study kind of kicked my butt last night (in a really good way). I have been making myself physically sick with anxiety about a few personal relationship issues. Friends always quote the "be anxious about nothing" verse, but I feel like it is over used. Well last night that verse was put into a whole new light for me. We learned about the 2 aspects of Faith: faithfulness and trust. We learned that the opposite of trust isn't untrust, but rather anxiety: we are not only not trusting God, but essentially replacing Him with fear. And God has not given us a spirit of fear but a spirit of power, of love and a sound mind. His Power will give me strength to have a difficult conversation. His love will help me do so in a way honoring to Him. The sound mind that he offers helps me from being neurotic. I feel a lot more equipped. Please pray with me that I encompass all of these things, especially tonight and the weeks to come.

Person of the Week- Week 6

2009-01-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

Lindsay (and Zac) Bascom

As many of you know, Lindsay has been my best friend since I was 6 years old. She and her husband Zac have been married for about 7 months. They are people of great faith. No matter what kinds of curveballs are thrown at them, they trust in God. They are dedicated to finding ways to grow more in Him and sacrifice a lot to do so. They are wonderful friends and I am so thankful for who they are in my life. Here's to you Linds and Zac!!!

4 steps

2009-01-24T12:30:00.000-08:00

5 steps forward, 1 step back. Bummed Obama reinstated the abortion funding, but what can you do? From how I look at it were still 4 steps ahead. In a perfect world I would have expected 5 steps forward, but that perfect world won’t be here until our President is Jesus :)

After reading Briana's post, I realized how much I talk about politics....that and theology. I think I work out all of my ideals on this blog....perhaps that’s why I love blogging so much. I like to have my friends see me work things out and have them there to comment in case they have something to say. It’s really comforting

So I am randomly going to Seattle tomorrow. I get to see my dear friend Ange. I am so excited to catch up. Ange used to work at Open Doors with me and now she works for World Vision. I never realized how close you can get to your co workers until working there. I guess you are spending a 1/3 of your life with them.

Its going to be a really lazy Saturday today. I haven't had one of those in awhile. I plan on staying in my P.J.’s while do chores, doing things on my to-do list and wedding planning. I got Evita in the mail from Netflix so maybe I can convince my roommates to watch that with me :)

Clean Up

2009-01-22T15:48:00.000-08:00

I know it's only Day #2, but I am beyond ecstatic with Obama's clean up. Adios Gitmo, hello fair relations between Palestine and Israel (even though Hamas is still pissed...can’t please everyone I suppose) and a stern message to terrorists ("for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you."). My President is fulfilling his major promises on his second day.....I honestly didn't think it would happen. I am in a state of amazement to be honest. Still have to wait to see what his actions will be with Iraq, the economy, healthcare and education in this country, but let’s just say on Day #2 I am already pleasantly surprised by the results. Yeah!!!!

Person of the Week- Week 5

2009-01-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

Barack Hussein Obama

I know this is a bit cliché, but it had to be done. History was made today. A man who, 150 years ago would have been a slave, 50 years ago wouldn’t have been allowed to drink out of the same water fountain as me is now the 44th President of the United States. I admire his hope and pray that his ideals put into action will help turn this country around. He has overcome many obstacles and offers an exciting outlook on the years to come. Heres to you Barack Obama!

Last night I was thinking about what now former President Bush must have been dwelling on last night. 8 years on a job and then it is done. I saw a movie about Truman with the actor who played Lutenit Dan in Forest Gump. Anywho historically Truman and Bush have equally low approval ratings leaving office. The movie portrayed how silent life was for him post Presidency...after such an overwhelming term. I wonder if the same thoughts portrayed of Truman will be going through former President Bush's head.

This weekend I had the opportunity to road trip down to So Cal with Brian and Corri for Coop's wedding. It was epic....we thought that the trip would make our weekend super short, but it was actually seemingly lengthened. Coop's wedding was wonderful and I had a great time seeing friends and family. It was a great time.

I get to see Jerry in 11 days and get to marry him in 144 days. I am the most blessed girl on earth!!!!!

His Kingdom

2009-01-14T09:26:00.000-08:00

The streets of my once busy city,
Are empty and bare,
There is no one in the restaurants,
Shops, Movies, anywhere

Where employees once stood,
There is no one to be found,
A once thriving business,
Has plummeted to the ground

Why am I so fortunate?
To have kept my vocation,
To have enough to eat,
A warm house, enough for our wedding and vacation?

The economy has been getting more and more real to me and makes me crave a perfect heaven compared to this imperfect earth. I was thinking about that time a few years back at the Lazy W for leadership retreat. It was a night of worship with the Holy Spirit's presences so tangibly there....words can’t even describe how amazing it was. We worshipped for hours and it still didn’t feel long enough. We used the gifts of the Spirit, spoke into each others lives. It was amazing. A little taste of what heaven is going to be like. I cannot wait for that Kingdom. But until then, I pray the Lord uses me here on earth, so more can be part of this awesome experience. Open my mind and heart to the ways You want to use me Lord! Please use this imperfect servant in mighty ways, as only you can. Refine me I pray!

Person of the Week- Week Four

2009-01-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

Jay Ditto

Having a crappy day? Having a good day? This guy will always be there to say something to make your day a lot brighter. He is one of the most encouraging people I know. Everything he says is heartfelt and he genuinely cares about his friends. I appreciate the way that he takes time to read others blogs etc, to know what they are going through at that exact moment in life. He is one of the best examples of Christ I know. Heres to you Jay Ditto!!!

Do Everything as Unto the Lord

2009-01-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

I know that work has been struggling financially for awhile....I mean when you are a Christian Non Profit reliant solely on donations; you are going to be affected majorly by a bad economy. I knew that we were doing some major cut backs and had a feeling the job cuts were next. Today it became a reality. 7 of my co workers were laid off, 1/5 of our office. I think our whole office feels it more than most would because we are truly like a family. I thought that I would certainly be among them, since part of my job title includes the word "assistant", but God spared my job.

From what it sounds like, my boss cut back in some major areas to keep my job. I am so thankful and feel so undeserving. I am so thankful to have a job, yet I feel guilty in a sense...7 of my dear friends are jobless. I empathetically ache for them.

We were told that these would be the only cutbacks in the foreseeable future. I pray that is the case. This has been a big wake up call for me in a few ways. I have decided that I am not spending anything more until I am at a surplus with my savings. I will be debt free (minus student loans) by April because I do not want to have that in case anything else was to happen.
I also am going to do all that I can to improve upon my work ethic. It isn't that I have a poor one; I actually think I have a good one. But I want to have the best work ethic.

This morning as I was walking to work God put that verse "Do everything as Unto the Lord" in my head. I prayed and told Him I would strive to do that in work today. It is amazing how He prepares our hearts.

In happier news, I found out that as soon as I get accepted in Grad School, Jerry's boss will speed up the hiring process so he can hire me in res life. I am so excited. It is part time so I can still work for Open Doors, but I will also be working in my dream job :) I will be going to school full time as well. I am really excited!!!

Greek nor Jew

2009-01-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

With the Gaza situation worsening, I find myself getting more and more pissed at American Christians who blindly take the side of Israel because they are God's chosen people. Just because they are God's chosen people, doesn’t mean that the government is pleasing God or doing the right thing....look at the Old Testament and you will find numerous stories of the people of Israel doing things that displeased God. Now I am not taking a side here, merely pointing out that both sides have things that they are right and wrong about.

Spiritually we need to acknowledge that Colossians 3 states that there is Greek nor Jew in the Kingdom of God. He loves us all equally...we are all his people. When people hate Palestinians they are being racist in the name of Zionism. Stereotyping Palestinians in this way is not only dangerous but morally wrong.

Politically we need to understand feelings on both sides. Yes the land of Israel has been the Jew's for thousands of years. But in recent time, Palestinians have inhabited it. Since 1948 they have experienced Eminent Domain in the harshest sense....the land that was theirs for years has dwindled down to the Gaza strip and a small piece of land called Palestine. Compare it to what the White man did to Native Americans. It was their land first...we took over. The land was their’s...but it would suck for everyone in America if we were forced off of the land we had known all our lives by Native Americans....wouldn’t it?

Anywho...I don’t have the answers...this wont be solved until Christ’s return. But I can say that God loves all his Creation, on both sides. Since he has this kind of love, it is wrong of us to pick sides.

Person of the Week-Week 3

2009-01-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

Jerry Fuentes

I know that I am a week behind, but this is better late than never, right? I have elected my wonderful soon to be husband as person of the week for many reasons. He is such a servant (driving me, my sister, my friends all over so cal the past 2 weeks), has an amazing heart (the ability to honor God by forgiving and love everyone) and he has the ability to make me laugh beyond control. He is my best friend and I am so thankful that he will be my husband in 5 months.
Sorry I haven't been commenting on anyone’s blogs lately. I have been in so cal for the past two weeks and rarely went online. I had a wonderful time. It was sunny (just what I needed) and I got to see almost everyone.
I flew in on the 22nd and got chick fila with the fam. The next day, I went shopping at the Mission Viejo mall with Serena and Katie (like old times). We met up with the boys at CPK later that night. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with the fam. They all seemed to like their gifts. The day after Christmas I got coffee with Briana and she gave me lots of good wedding advice. I then hung out with Skylar and Katie. We spent the night at Kristin Lattorelle’s (so much fun). The next day was Jerry’s sisters wedding....so much fun. The following day I went to church with my family, played monopoly and went to the beach for a bonfire with them. The day after that I took my GRE....scored a 980. Its more than enough to get me into both schools I am applying to, so that is great. Jer and I met up and got Claim Jumper for his bday. I then went to my grandpa’s to spend the night. We watched the Sound of Music. The next morning I walked to the bus and missed it by 30 seconds. Normally I would have been a little annoyed, but it was ok because I was right at the beach and hung out for 30 mins. I had never realized that the bus from Vanguard went right to the beach. That would have saved me a lot of parking hassle the past 4 years. I rode the bus straight up to Open Doors and worked the day there. It was wonderful to see everyone. That night a few of us from my old youth group got together at the harbor house. New Years Eve day I hung out with the fam and that night I went to Kaytie Clary’s party, then Jerry's old friends, then Kyo and Corris and then to Michelle’s to spend the night. The next day we hung out with Skylar and Katie and then I watched the Twilight Zone with my family. The next day Jerry and I did premarital counseling with Bill. It was one of the best experiences for me. I learned a lot and gained a better biblical understanding about certain situations in my life. We then met up with Kaytie Clary and Roxy and drove out to Jerrys old church. We look over the church and dance hall and are very excited :) We are able to do all of this for pretty cheap too :) We had dinner with Dez for her birthday and then went to Melissa and Grace's. The following day was our 3 year anniversary. Jerry and i bought our wedding rings and then he took me to The Melting Pot and then we saw Yes Man (I thought it was great). The next day Katie and I took the train to see my grandmas in Burbank. Skylar picked us up after and we went to Hollywood and Ameboa. We then met Jer at Skosh's and then hung out with Corri and Kyo. My last day I spent with my family playing monopoly and cards. It was a great time off. :)

Person of the Week- Week 2

2008-12-22T09:00:00.001-08:00

It's a little early, but i figured i wouldnt get to it on Christmas:

President Bush

Though his approval rating is about the same as Truman's and he is blamed for an unnecessary war and this financial crisis, President Bush will go out looking hard core. When shoes were thrown at him, he was able to swiftly duck and made it look like he did so with ease. And after the fact, he didn’t hold any hard feelings about it, but rather made jokes about it. Here's to you President Bush.

Person of the week- week 1

2008-12-18T09:13:00.000-08:00

I decided that every week, I am going to highlight a person of the week. This week is:

Daniel Unger

Daniel is our roommate’s boyfriend and a dear friend of the rest of us. As some of you may know, it is snowing here in Portland, which means life really sucks without a car. He has been faithful to make sure we all have rides and are safe, even if it is super inconvenient for him. He never complains and won’t take gas money. I think Daniel is such a blessing and I am so thankful to call him friend. Heres to you Daniel Unger.

Abba

2008-12-17T11:02:00.000-08:00

To know your love,
Your guidance in spite of strain,
Your over whelming peace,
Again and again

Despite my flaws,
And sin I hold so dear,
You work anew in me,
And continue to draw me near

Create in me a pure heart,
To honor you in word, thought and deed,
Show me how you will use me
To help this world in need

Let me follow Your heart,
Rather than the desires of my own,
You are so faithful,
I see it in how much I have grown

Let me hear Your word,
Rather than a thousand different voices,
Let everything be guided by you,
Every single one of my choices.

Snow

2008-12-16T12:02:00.000-08:00

It snowed in Portland. I love it. Except waiting for the bus in wet converse, but now I have boots so its all good. Some of my roommates had snow days for work....awesome!!!

I get to go home in 6 days. Though I love it up here, it will be a nice warm break and a good chance to see everyone. Looking forward to some time with the fam and friends. Also looking forward to getting some major wedding stuff done.

This will be Jerry and my 4th Christmas together (crazy)! We have our tradition of going to south coast, balboa island and fashion island to look at all the Christmas stuff. This year will be no exception :) Also, it is looking like we will actually be able to spend New Years together (a first)....which would mean that I would finally have my first news years kiss at age 22.

We had our roommate gift exchange last night which was a ton of fun. I sure love 3235 (a simple way of saying the ladies of my home address). This has been a really good year so far. I have grown a lot spiritually. I have a much better understanding of hard work and respect for those who go most of their lives without a car. I have learned how to budget, tithe, save and be financially independent. I feel like this year has been a really good transition into "the real world" and adulthood. I have a much better grasp of reality.

I am getting so excited for next year. I get married in less than 6 months :). As of now it is looking quite possible that I will have a part time job in residents life (my dream job), part time with Open Doors and full time grad student. Jerry and I are looking to stay there for a few years to save up a lot of money, have time to travel (since we have summers and a month at Christmas off-Europe here we come) and start up an amazing retirement fund. God is really good. Hopefully by the end of the next few years we will have the majority of our loans paid off and enough money for a down payment on a house too. God is so faithful to not only take care of us, but to give us the desires of our heart. He knows how much I love working with student life and it looks like I will have the opportunity to do so. Praise be to Him!!!

2008

2008-12-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

This has been an eventful year....looking back I realize that a lot has happened:

*Kyo and Corri got together on the 1st and now they are engaged

*I graduated college

*My best friend, along with 6 other friends (thus far- 3more to go) have gotten married.

*My sister moved back to SC

*I moved to Oregon

*I started working more than full time

*I have seen where I will be living for the next few years

*I got engaged to the most wonderful man on the face of the earth

*Got plugged into a life changing church and small group

*Saw history being made as Obama became our 1st black President

*Have seen our economy at it's worst state since the Great Depression

*No longer have an automobile

*Started writing a book

I know a lot more has happened too. Those items stick out to me. I am excited to see what 2009 will bring. Yesterday I heard about what it could potentially look like, and I pray (according to His will, that’s what it is).

A lot has changed in 2008, but a lot has stayed the same. I head home in a few weeks. I am excited, but at the same time I am not looking forward to some conversations I am going to have. I know I serve a mighty God who is in control of everything and I am so thankful for Him.

Speaking of Him....I felt God called me up here to be a witness to him in a city where many do not know Him. I have been disappointed in my lack of 'evangelism' with non believers. I have been praying He would open up conversations with non believers, but instead it has seemed like I keep meeting believers instead. Today, the epiphany came: the subtle witness. While I was talking with my Bus driver, Curtis (a fellow believer) we were talking about our walk with God. He was sharing about his struggle and how God is faithful to step in. Though I realized that the conversation was between us, other people on the bus were listening (mainly because Curtis has excellent voice modulation) and seeds are being planted. People know I am a Christian and are hearing about how it is affecting my life. People know that Curtis is a believer by his joy and outward conversation about it. He carries his duct taped, beat up bible with him in his vest and wears a Jesus bracelet. He is great. So this morning I decided that Curtis and I will have to continue having our louder conversations about our faith. Seeds will be planted AND we won’t be shoving it on anyone, they will just be hearing about the real life affect a walk with God can have on a person. :)

In His Grip

2008-12-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

My youth pastor signed a letter of recommendation for me that way once: In His Grip, Paul.

At the time I thought it was cute and a little unprofessional. Now I find myself saying it almost everyday.

For the first time yet, I have felt a direct impact of the suffering economy. It isn't anything compared to those who have lost jobs, their homes, their cars. But it is the first time that it has hit home for me.

Anywho, Jer Bear and I were talking about how even worst case scenario next year, we are going to have a place to live, food to eat and enough money to pay off our loans. God is so good to us. I really want to honor him with all that I am, in everyway that I can.

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from Heaven above
With Wisdom, Power and Love
Our God is an awesome God

Just when I thought my approval rating for the police force couldn't be any lower...

2008-12-05T10:16:00.001-08:00

an incident on the bus happened this morning.

I got on my transferring bus this morning and noticed an Indian woman talking to the bus driver. She told him she was being stalked by a man. He told her he would call it in to the police and to stay on board. He told the rest of us (myself and a man named Raj that I ride the bus with every morning) that it might take awhile. Raj asked if he could use my phone, as he had a 9 am business meeting to go to, so I let him and I called in for my work. The woman was shaken up. She told the bus driver that this man and his friends were outside of where she lived every morning and would harass her, trying to get her attention by talking to her. She said they would follow her onto the bus and get off where she got off. She said that everyday they would wear the same thing she was wearing....today it was a green shirt and green pants. I saw one of the men today and it was true. Scary right?

So the police take their sweet time getting over to where we were (aprx 20 mins), though they knew that multiple tri met vehicles were being held up to catch this one guy in particular. They finally get there and ask the lady what is going on....she explained everything to them. They said ‘well we can’t do anything. It would be wrong for us to go talk to him and embarrass him off people he may know.’ Lie #1. I know that the police never have an issue with stopping people. I am as good of a citizen as anyone and I have been stopped and questioned by police while waiting at a bus stop. They could have pulled him aside to talk to him....they wouldn’t have had to do it in front of "all his friends". Secondly, the cops knew all the details before arriving (I heard the whole convo between the bus driver and dispatch), so I wonder why when they arrived, they thought it wasn’t as big of a deal anymore (maybe because she wasn’t a white woman)?

So this girl will still be harassed by these men every day and though she has made multiple reports, our wonderful police task is doing nothing and she will continue to be stalked and harassed everyday. I understand you can’t detain someone over this...but you are allowed to question them. It is the police’s sworn duty to protect and serve, I saw them doing neither today.

With this said, I know there are good cops out there....it just seems like they are becoming less and less. I am thankful for these rare officers for fulfilling their job requirements, but I am becoming more and more enraged by the rest of the force. I guess all I can do is pray for this woman’s safety.

Hmmmmmmmm

2008-12-03T10:09:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling with two things lately; anxiety and envy.

Anxiety is something that I have always struggled with. Sometimes its worse than others. Right now is one of those times. I think when work is stressful it gets bad. I get physically ill and so nervous that it can be almost unbearable. I am trying to give it over to God. Writing helps too.

Envy is something that I have not really struggled with before, but I find that recently I am. I am envious of my friends who only have to work a couple days a week. I am envious that my parents like my sisters boyfriend. I am envious of those who do not have to pay back student loans. I really hate this feeling and pray that it goes away.

So it goes.

Kell Bell

2008-12-02T15:39:00.000-08:00

My friend's mom Kelly passed away last night. She had terminal cancer and we all knew it was coming; doesn’t make it any less difficult. She was a wonderful mother to her 3 children and a wonderful friend to all of their friends. I will always have fond memories of her taking her kids to Hollywood to meet famous celebs or her calling Jerry a "hottie" when she first met him. I will miss the craziness that always ensued because of her and the wonderful conversations we shared, but I rejoice knowing that she is with our Maker where there is no more suffering. I am so thankful to have known Kell Bell.

Road Trip

2008-11-30T13:38:00.001-08:00

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to go to Northwest Portland. I think it is officially my favorite part of the city. I went into all these different shops and encountered all sorts of wonderful people. I met a man named Babik and his cat Simba. He owns a Turkish rug store and I talked with him for a little bit. Before I left, he told me he had something for me….he brought out a Turkish ornament and told me it was from “Me and Simba…from our hearts, for your kindness”. All I had done was have a 5 minute conversation with him. It made my day.

I meet some other very nice people in various shops. Portland is amazing that way, nearly everyone you meet is extremely nice. Every stereotype remaining in my head has been shattered due to my time in Portland. Whether it be 3 thugs walking by and making friendly conversation with you, or your bus driver becoming one of your dearest friends, people in Portland are amazing.

The next day, I went to an event hosted by the place I volunteer at (a homeless shelter). It was an interfaith Thanksgiving, thanking every church who had helped with the shelter. There were all sorts of denominations represented: Islamic, Baha’i, Judaism, Christianity and Mormons. Every person from every faith was so kind and beautiful in the way that they cared for others. It got me to thinking….

The bible says we were knit in our mother’s womb by God. It says we were created in His image. It also says He began a good work in us. Then we were born….and encountered all the results from the fall. Sin.

In almost everyone, I see a quality that is in the image of our maker: whether it is in kindness, artistry, discernment etc. We have qualities of God….he began a good work in us and is faithful to complete it.

But I have found myself reading that verse and getting depressed when I see good people not following the one way to heaven (Christ). I kind of had an epiphany with the meaning behind that verse though. I realized that God is ready to complete that good work in us, if we are willing to give our lives completely and only to Christ as the one true way. He started a good work in all of us by making us in His image; it is up to us to let him complete that good work. It’s our responsibility to inform the world of this.

In other news, I just finished the book Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell. In typical Orwellian style, there are a handful of lessons, along with an overarching societal commentary via an enthralling story. This book is essentially his autobiography of when he was (surprise, surprise) down and out in both London and Paris. He points out how society has ostracized and subhumanized the homeless in such a way that everything from their idleness to their sexuality is inadvertently affected. He also talked about the time where he wrote for a Russian communist paper to make some money. It got me to thinking, if it was from that experience that he wrote 1984, discovering the harms of big government through this group, or if he wrote it to cover his tracts (to not be black listed). I tend to think of the former rather than the latter, but it got me thinking just the same. I highly recommend this book if you are an Orwell fan at all.

I had a Planes, Trains and Automobiles kind of Thanksgiving (which turned out to be one epic journey). My roommates (Katie and Hilary) and I left at 3am on Tuesday morning. We drove straight through to Fresno and I crashed there. The next day, I met up with my friend Sharayah who goes to Fresno State and we drove down to so cal. We had fun listening to all sorts of music, but especially the Disney sound tracks. It got me to thinking about how as kids, we had a new Disney animated film come out every year and I just added it to the list on how the 1990’s was the best era to grow up in. It took 7 hours due to the rain and holiday traffic to get there. L I stopped by my friend Serena’s house, to say hi. Her mom has terminal cancer, so I stopped by to say my good byes essentially. I have known her mom for years, a wonderful woman. It is tough to think she will be gone any day now, but I rejoice in the fact that she will no longer be in pain, and that she will be with our Father. It was nice to be with Serena and Desi, to reminisce to get our minds off of the situation. After that, Sharayah dropped me off at home. Got to spend some time with the fam and went to bed. The next day I woke up and we had our Thanksgiving tradition of watching the parade and eating cinnamon rolls. After that we got ready and went and picked up my sister and Skylar (her boyfriend….I know right?) to have Thanksgiving with us. All my relatives met him and loved him. I found myself getting a bit envious, wishing I could bring my man to family events like this. Soon after that though, my Grandpa’s girlfriend Barbara told me how she really wanted me to bring Jerry over during Christmas break. That put a smile on my face, and we planned a day for that and to see the movie Australia together. I love my Grandpa and Barbara. I wouldn’t say my Grandpa picks favorites, but I know that he and I have a special connection, being that we are the only ones in our family to have our B.A.’s (he always brings it up). We have a pretty similar sense of humor and always make sarcastic remarks to each other under our breaths. At the same time, he too is a sentimental fool (where my brother and I get it I suppose). Some of our other relatives are a bit much at times. I saw a bottle of Jack (with a little bit left) on the counter. My sister was talking to one of these relatives with Skylar and I set the bottle next to her. Barbara saw that and couldn’t stop laughing. Then Skylar said “Is that apple juice Emily?” Barbara laughed even more, and the other relatives didn’t get it. It was great. We left the house and drove back to San Clemente. We dropped Skylar off. It was funny to see Skylar next to my dad (towering over him). I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my sister ended up with a giant. It is just kind of funny to see I suppose. I came home hung out for a bit and went to bed. I woke up the next morning and my dad took me to the train station. I took a train to LA, a bus to Bakersfield and a train to Fresno. Katie picked me up and we drove back home. Pretty epic traveling for such a short amount of time I deduce, but it was worth it (especially since the whole thing only ended up costing me less than $100).

I sure love my family and continue to pray that God will work a miracle in situations that seem impossible. I know that He works in mysterious ways and that He is the sovereign Lord that loves me no matter how many times I fall. I have so much to be thankful for during this season of thanks. Christmas is officially here. This week my roommies and friends get to buy decorations and a tree and hang up lights and decorations!!! We are hosting a Christmas caroling party….I am so excited!!!!

memories

2008-11-21T09:26:00.000-08:00

I have had a lot of forced time to wait and think this year (mainly walking and waiting for the bus for at least a total for 2 hours everyday). It is crazy the places your mind wanders, or the memories that are stirred up.

For example, as I was hearing people talk over their Thanksgiving plans, it brought me back to Thanksgiving growing up. We would have cinnamon rolls in the morning, as we watched the parade. Then, we would head over to the church barn (an old golf cart barn) and have a Thanksgiving feast with the church. Everyone would bring some sort of dish and we would dine together (which was nice since many of our relatives were on the mainland).

I find myself getting sad sometimes, sad that things are not the way they once were. Instead of knowing what a wonderful Thanksgiving I am going to have with loved ones, I am not sure what it will look like. I am sad at how much people and situations have changed. Usually I do just fine with change, but I think when negative change out of my control is at hand, it is very difficult for me.

So I cling to the happy times of old and look to the future for happy times to come. I know that things will never be as they were, so I find joy in the memories. I decided that every random memory that comes to mind, I am going to write down. I know there are a lot of good ones stowed in my memory.

I am so looking forward to the future; I am marrying an amazing man. For some reason, last night I was looking at some of his old blog postings. His blogs are so honest and heart felt. He always has a heart of thankfulness and praise to God. He has inspired me to grow in my walk so much so. He is a leader by quiet example. Sometimes I feel so inadequate to be with such a man. I am decayed with imperfection, I say and do things I shouldn't, but he loves me despite and encourages me to improve in a loving manner. What a wonderful living example of Christ he is! When I miss the things of the pass, I look to the glorious future God has given me. I am so undeserving.

Symbols

2008-11-20T10:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed the little wheelchair symbol next to the word verification before you post a comment on a blog? Out of curiosity, I clicked on it and the only thing it did was say "Type the letters above". I assume that blogger is thinking one of three things:

1. If you use a wheelchair it may be difficult to understand what do with a word preceded by a blank box.

2. If you use a wheelchair your vision is impaired

3. If you use a wheelchair, you must be illiterate....but still using blogger.

How offensive is that? Or here is another good one. I was talking to these guys and they showed me a picture of a person with a stick (in the same vain as the wheelchair symbol). They told me it was in line at Safeway. I said...well it’s probably for the blind. Then I realized that a blind person couldn't see that symbol. There was no purpose at all for the sign.

So the people developing these symbols are either very offensive or very stupid (or both). In today's "PC" society, we are far from politically correct or just plainly decent at all. That frustrates me. I know these are just symbols, but they truly represent the thoughts of those who develop them. Burke said it best: "Man is/the symbol-using (symbol making, symbol-misusing) animal/inventor of the negative (or moralized by the negative)/separated from his natural condition by instruments of his own making/goaded by the spirit of hierarchy (or moved by the sense of order)/and rotten with perfection."

1 more day of work after today....then I get next week off for Thanksgiving. I have had to work late at night to get caught up on things for Open Doors. I’m also trying to study for the GRE, write my book, apply for grad school and plan a wedding. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed...like I wont get it all done. I am sticking to a strict timeline to get it done. I think this feeling will subside tomorrow at 6:50pm....a whole week to get caught up :)

my man

2008-11-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

For having a man as amazing as mine, I do not blog about him nearly enough. He is so full of encouragement, wisdom and insight. It is amazing to hear his thoughts on our ministry together and his encouragement when it comes to a crappy day at work. God has really given him a way with words. And I get to marry him in 204 days!!!

Raising Sand

2008-11-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

I just got the semi new Robert Plant/ Alison Krauss CD, Raising Sand. It's AMAZING!!! It has been awhile since a song has stopped me in my tracks or has given me chills. Killing the Blues did just that. The other songs are also phenomenal. BUY IT.

I apologize in advance...

2008-11-11T09:59:00.000-08:00

for this slight rant.

I think that I have vaguely mentioned that I am writing a book before. It is called 95. It follows the format of Martin Luther's 95 Theses, drawing a direct parallel to the 95 things that he was calling the universal church out on in 1517 to the 95 things I believe that the modern church needs to be called out on (things that we are not doing biblically). I am dedicating a chapter to each subject, with a correlating bible verse to go along with it. I am 5 chapters in and hope to complete it by April.

Anywho, I was doing a little research on this great founder of our modern protestant faith and began to look at a list of his works. The last book I saw was entitled The Jews and their Lies. The title caught me off guard, so I decided to look into it more.

This book was written 3 years before his death. In his previous years, Luther campaigned the need to bring the Jews to the saving grace of Christ. He acknowledged that they were God's chosen people and were just misguided. In this book, he switched from that mind frame to some extremely anti Semitic undertones, that were later used as Nazi propaganda. In his book, Luther recommends that Jews be deprived of money, civil rights, religious teaching, and education, and that they be forced to labor on the land, or else be expelled from Germany and possibly killed. Here are a few excerpts:

"There is no other explanation for this than the one cited earlier from Moses — namely, that God has struck [the Jews] with 'madness and blindness and confusion of mind.' So we are even at fault in not avenging all this innocent blood of our Lord and of the Christians which they shed for three hundred years after the destruction of Jerusalem, and the blood of the children they have shed since then (which still shines forth from their eyes and their skin). We are at fault in not slaying them. Rather we allow them to live freely in our midst despite all their murdering, cursing, blaspheming, lying, and defaming; we protect and shield their synagogues, houses, life, and property. In this way we make them lazy and secure and encourage them to fleece us boldly of our money and goods, as well as to mock and deride us, with a view to finally overcoming us, killing us all for such a great sin, and robbing us of all our property (as they daily pray and hope). Now tell me whether they do not have every reason to be the enemies of us accursed Goyim to curse us and to strive for our final, complete, and eternal ruin!"

"First to set fire to their synagogues or schools and to bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them. ...Second, I advise that their houses also be razed and destroyed. ...Third, I advise that all their prayer books and Talmudic writings, in which such idolatry, lies, cursing and blasphemy are taught, be taken from them. ...Fourth, I advise that their rabbis be forbidden to teach henceforth on pain of loss of life and limb. ...Fifth, I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews. ...Sixth, I advise that usury be prohibited to them, and that all cash and treasure of silver and gold be taken from them. ... Such money should now be used in ... the following [way]... Whenever a Jew is sincerely converted, he should be handed [a certain amount]...Seventh, I commend putting a flail, an ax, a hoe, a spade, a distaff, or a spindle into the hands of young, strong Jews and Jewesses and letting them earn their bread in the sweat of their brow... For it is not fitting that they should let us accursed Goyim toil in the sweat of our faces while they, the holy people, idle away their time behind the stove, feasting and farting, and on top of all, boasting blasphemously of their lordship over the Christians by means of our sweat. No, one should toss out these lazy rogues by the seat of their pants. If we wish to wash our hands of the Jews' blasphemy and not share in their guilt, we have to part company with them. They must be driven from our country and we must drive them out like mad dogs."

WHAT THE CRAP?

This great leader of our faith went off the deep end with anti Semitic works and I didn't know about it till the age of 22? I checked with Corri and Jerry (both went through Christian Heritage at Vanguard) and they were just as shocked as I was. Upon further research I found out the Lutheran denomination denounced these statements, but most Christians either do not know, or do not mention Luther’s anti Semitic work.

That said, I do not think by any means any of Luther's former works are void. I believe God truly used him most of his life, but He went off the deep end in his latter years and the church needs to acknowledge this. No wonder so many believe Christians are anti Semitic. If we aren't willing to acknowledge the truth of this and then say that Luther had it right in his early years, but not in last years....we cannot progress. It is vital to acknowledge and apologize for this.

This also got me thinking about how people change when they get older in their faith...obviously not everyone, but some change drastically. I think of how that bible often highlights "the faith of our youth". The faith that is untainted and vibrant....wanting to know more of the Lord and wanting to bring EVERYONE to him. I do not want to be stuck in my ways when I am older....I want to have this kind of untainted pure faith all of my days. Help me Lord, please grant me this. Please do not let be become blinded by my sin and entangle that in my faith. Let me have a pure faith and allow me to constantly check that I am living according to your will. Amen.

This week

2008-11-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

This week has been crazy, and upon review I understand why:

1. We elected our first black president. A beautiful and historical moment.

2. We had prayer week at church (so good).

3. Had a wonderful meal/office time at our friend Courtney's.

4. Found out I get to go home for Thanksgiving. It is going to be an epic journey...road trip with Katie and Hil, then with Sharayah. Spend 2 days with my family (to their surprise) and then a train ride back to Hanford to drive back with Katie and Hil. Epic truly is the only word to describe this.

5. Registered to take the GRE. December 29th.

6. Took care of a ton of wedding stuff

7. Outlined my book that I am writing.

8. Went to Wordstock. This was a book and writing festival.

9. Took care of my extremely long to do list

10. My roommate is officially dating a wonderful guy. We all couldn’t be happier. :)

What a great week!!!

Wordstock

2008-11-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today Corri and I went to Wordstock in the city. It was a book and writing convention (aka nerd convention) and it was wonderful. We met some cool people and got a ton of free books. I being the kind person that I am got one for Kyo. I cant wait till he opens it :)

I found out that I get to go home for Thanksgiving. I am going to surprise my family and I am super excited.

We found out that our friends got held at gunpoint last night. Thank goodness they are safe. The gunmen must have thought they were someone else because they took of after a second. The gunmen were also their neighbors down the street, so they were able to ID them to the police.

I have to work on GRE/Grad School app, wedding stuff and writing my book. So much to do....so little time :(

Kurt

2008-11-06T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have been reading quite a bit of Vonnegut lately. I truly enjoy his writing. He is able to tell a gripping story with such an eloquent use of pathos, sarcasm and societal commentary, all with a hint of A.D.D.

I have a few book ideas going in my head. Whenever I am somewhere, observing something, I find that I am narrating the situation. Maybe it is just a weird battle for control, or perhaps I need to start outlining some ideas. Before, I thought simply stating your thoughts and opinions in a pristine, well thought out way argued for intellect. The older I get, the more I see the intelligence in stories laced with these messages.

So it goes.

I have had the hardest time concentrating lately. I am trying to check emails, blog and look up anything that I need to before work, so I no longer deal with the temptation to take a 2 minute break (that usually ends up taking longer than 2 minutes). We'll see.

The weekend is almost here. I plan on sleeping in, working out, doing chores, maybe going to Wordstock, hanging out with friends and going to church. We will see what else happens.

Hi-ho.

Racists

2008-11-05T12:34:00.000-08:00

I have not said a ton on this subject during this election, except for a few words here or there to a couple of friends, but the last 24 hours have sent me over the top. I am enraged.

I'm sure if I took a hiatus from facebook, i would not be so upset. But the bummer is, these so called friends and acquaintances are saying things like "67% of 18-29 year olds voted for Obama because he is black", "will it still be called the White House" or "upset this has turned into a racial victory - this is the presidency!". They will have these racists’ thoughts if I read them or not. The worst part is most of it is in ignorance. None of these people would believe that what they are saying is racist.

I have seen a few of my friends refer to Romans 13. I love that passage. Obama is not going to save this country, nor is he a politician that i agree with on everything. But he is our leader. We need to respect him as Romans 13 calls us to. The first step in doing this is by removing racism from our thoughts and speech.

All I ask is that you would think about things before you say them. Think about the undertones your statement could have.

Election Day

2008-11-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

Here we go:

Both candidates are against gay marriage. Both have voted pro choice before. Both care about the environment. Though most of these issues are dealt with by other branches, or are state by state, the President has a say in whom he selects as a Supreme Court Judge and has direct influences over the states. Both candidates are fairly moderate and vote pretty similarly when it comes to key issues. However, I voted for Obama because John McCain's policies are too close to President Bush. Though I feel like President Bush has gotten a lot more crap than he deserves, I have been in utter disagreement wit most of his policies. I need a leader who is at least going to make an attempt to dissipate from this war. I need a leader who cares about how the rest of the world views us.

That said, I do not really care for Obama. I think his rhetoric is what has gotten him where he is today. I don’t think he is going to be one of our greatest leaders, nor do I think he will be able to turn a lot of things around. I know that only God can. The bible calls us to respect and pray for those in authority, so I am committed to do just that. Whoever becomes president, I know that I need to respect their authority and pray for them daily. Pray that God would direct their decisions and that they would follow His way.

Though I am in Oregon, I voted absentee, so I was able to vote for California Measures. I voted yes on prop 8. I did this because 8 years ago, Californians democratically voted against gay marriage. Over a weekend earlier this year, a few judges made gay marriage constitutional. That was in no way democratic. That was a government over stepping it boundaries, making a decision for the people who had already made a different decision. That is too much like 1984 or a communist country to me. I live in a land that practices democracy, not in a land dictated by the government. I live in a land that advocates for the separation of church and state, so I know that I have a right to vote to keep marriage as a religious holy ordinance between a man and a woman. I can advocate for the government not to step on my religion. It doesn’t mean I am intolerant, or that I am against equality. It simply means that I am an American who has her set beliefs and is allowed to practice them separate from the government. I am an American who will not let my government become a dictatorship.

I voted for the parental notification when a minor is going to get an abortion. The main argument against this is that girls who come from abusive homes will face great hardships if this happens. Here is the thing...nobody is telling these teenage girls how physically dangerous abortions can be (internal bleeding, becoming sterile, death). We are considered minors until we are 18, because we are still in our formative years until then. When we hit 18, we can decide if we want to gamble, smoke or get an abortion. But before then, it is unfair to out that much responsibility in the hands of someone so vulnerable. For the girls who come from abusive backgrounds, there is hope. Shelters for minor girls who are pregnant. This keeps them away from their abuser. My roommate works at one of these.

I decided not to increase police pay because of their continued misuse of money, racial profiling and power. They are among the highest paid in the nation and LA and Long Beach are the cities most infamous for police brutality. I will not support that behavior. (Note: I do not believe all police are bad, but until things get under control, I will not vote to grant my money to those who misuse. Christ has called me to be a good steward of my funds).

I voted for the humane treatment of farm animals.

More than you wanted to know? Probably not if you are still reading this :)

I am a moderate voter as many of you know. I do not affiliate with one political party. I do not use God as a means to push a political agenda, but I try to make every political decision with a biblically informed mind frame. I wanted to write all of this out, so you knew why I was voting the way that I was. I know that a lot of my brothers and sisters in Christ have voted differently than I have. It doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong. It simply means that we are trying to be the most Christ like that we can be in this imperfect world. I was talking to a new friend the other day about how Heaven wouldn’t be a democracy, but rather communism, under a perfect ruler, something we could never obtain on earth....true utopia. Until then, we strive to be His light under the imperfect rulings of this earth. I am thankful for the freedoms I have in America, though they are not nearly as perfect as the freedom in Christ.

Full House

2008-11-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Katie Froberg has the ability to bring Full House into any conversation. It is truly a gift. She told me that bed frame looked like Stephanie's and that my hair looked like DJ's.

We had 11 people in our home this weekend, thus making it a full house :) The Helblings and Kyo both stayed with us which was awesome. And we had about 15 guest for our Halloween party last night. Also awesome, but a full house.

We are getting so much accomplished for the wedding. It is a good feeling. :)

If you think about it, I'd really be thankful for your prayers for the usual. God is faithful and I know He will work everything out.

people

2008-10-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

Last night, I got to hang out with Zac and Lindsay. I love when the 3 of us get to chill. We went to an English pub and then went to everyday music. I bought an African tribal CD. It is awesome in case you were wondering.

Yesterday, God really made things more clear about Romania. Jerry and I are really humbled by the way that God could potentially be using us in the near future. I am also really excited about next year too. I love people.

Today I encounter quite a few adorable fathers. One sat by me with his 2 year old daughter on MAX. He loved her so much. It was wonderful to observe.

I am working on my book still.

I sent in my ballot today. This is an interesting election to vote as an American and as a Californian (kind of).

The Helblings are coming!!!! I cant wait to see them, though I will be working a good chunk of the time that they are here. I love that family so much.

226 more days babe

colors

2008-10-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the heart of God lately, and what we humans claim He is. The bible is very clear about who He is in some aspects, but we (while on this earth) will really not know who He is completely. I wonder what things we have assumed of Him, which are not necessarily true, just have thought so for generations. I am realizing that a good prayer is to ask God to direct me according to His will, to have His words guide my speech and to have a heart more like His. I need to pray that more.

I am sure looking forward to the things to come. God has really lined up some amazing things. I am beyond blessed. I am marrying the man of my dreams. Sometimes I realize all the things that God has done and I am so humbled by His goodness.

The fall colors are outstanding here. I have never experienced this before. I am really seeing God in a new way, the artistry of His nature. It’s amazing. I think I will rake the yard this week so I can jump into a pile of leaves.

A Day in the Life

2008-10-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

It was difficult to get out of bed this morning because it was so cold. Upon leaving, I realized that my house was much colder inside than it was outside. One of the great mysteries of life I suppose.

My bus driver in the morning is a cross between a confederate solider (mainly due to his chops, nothing pertaining to racism) and Ethan Embry. He is probably in his mid twenties and talks like Ethan Embry does in Empire Records. He is very much a product of the late 1990's and still wears an original WWJD bracelet. He replaced my previous bus driver who looks like a character of the comic strip The Farside. I wish I had a picture of her to prove it. Anywho, seeing my current bus driver is a bit trippy....he is from my generation, a youth group kid but working as an adult with a blue collar job. Which is just another reminder that I am an adult, not longer a youth. It is weird that the generation of CD players, Backstreet Boys and TRL has grown up and has been replaced by ipods, the Jonas Brothers and High School Musical. I wonder if the youth of the 60's felt as weird having their ideals of free love and music replaced by disco and moustaches.

We are going to the Kennedy School for dinner tonight. I am so excited for the weekend :) I cannot wait to catch up on rest and not work.

My First Blog

2008-10-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the bus the other day with Corri and a deaf family got on the bus. The little girl kept trying to say something to us, but we couldn't understand what she was saying. So I asked her mom via sign language if she knew what she was saying. Her mom got the biggest smile on her face, because I knew sign language. We only exchanged a few sentences before they got off the bus, but her mom was still smiling all the way off the bus. It made my day and made me realize how much I wanted to blog about it. I told Corri that I was going to start blogging again, so here I am.

I hope to make this blog as honest as possible. I think one of the biggest problems within our Christian Culture in America is that we are not completely honest about how we feel, or what we are struggling with. I look at the book of Psalms and think about how it would fit in today's society, and I think of it as King David's honest blog. He tells the reader and God when he feels deserted and pissed, along with the nitty gritty crap of his personal life. Since David was a man after God's own heart, I figure that I should follow after his example. Bring everything to the table.

Right now, I feel anxious, less so than this morning, but still anxious. I am having a difficult time deciphering God's voice from other voices and it is beyond frustrating. All I know is that my God is not a God of confusion; He won't say one thing and mean another. So, I know I should trust the conformation He has given me time and time again, but I doubt myself and my ability to hear what He is saying (not making up something that I want to hear). This stems from self doubt and doubt placed in my life by others. If you think of it, I'd appreciate your prayers :)