Hmmmmmmmm

I have been struggling with two things lately; anxiety and envy.

Anxiety is something that I have always struggled with. Sometimes its worse than others. Right now is one of those times. I think when work is stressful it gets bad. I get physically ill and so nervous that it can be almost unbearable. I am trying to give it over to God. Writing helps too.

Envy is something that I have not really struggled with before, but I find that recently I am. I am envious of my friends who only have to work a couple days a week. I am envious that my parents like my sisters boyfriend. I am envious of those who do not have to pay back student loans. I really hate this feeling and pray that it goes away.

So it goes.

Kell Bell

My friend's mom Kelly passed away last night. She had terminal cancer and we all knew it was coming; doesn’t make it any less difficult. She was a wonderful mother to her 3 children and a wonderful friend to all of their friends. I will always have fond memories of her taking her kids to Hollywood to meet famous celebs or her calling Jerry a "hottie" when she first met him. I will miss the craziness that always ensued because of her and the wonderful conversations we shared, but I rejoice knowing that she is with our Maker where there is no more suffering. I am so thankful to have known Kell Bell.

Road Trip

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to go to Northwest Portland. I think it is officially my favorite part of the city. I went into all these different shops and encountered all sorts of wonderful people. I met a man named Babik and his cat Simba. He owns a Turkish rug store and I talked with him for a little bit. Before I left, he told me he had something for me….he brought out a Turkish ornament and told me it was from “Me and Simba…from our hearts, for your kindness”. All I had done was have a 5 minute conversation with him. It made my day.

I meet some other very nice people in various shops. Portland is amazing that way, nearly everyone you meet is extremely nice. Every stereotype remaining in my head has been shattered due to my time in Portland. Whether it be 3 thugs walking by and making friendly conversation with you, or your bus driver becoming one of your dearest friends, people in Portland are amazing.

The next day, I went to an event hosted by the place I volunteer at (a homeless shelter). It was an interfaith Thanksgiving, thanking every church who had helped with the shelter. There were all sorts of denominations represented: Islamic, Baha’i, Judaism, Christianity and Mormons. Every person from every faith was so kind and beautiful in the way that they cared for others. It got me to thinking….

The bible says we were knit in our mother’s womb by God. It says we were created in His image. It also says He began a good work in us. Then we were born….and encountered all the results from the fall. Sin.

In almost everyone, I see a quality that is in the image of our maker: whether it is in kindness, artistry, discernment etc. We have qualities of God….he began a good work in us and is faithful to complete it.

But I have found myself reading that verse and getting depressed when I see good people not following the one way to heaven (Christ). I kind of had an epiphany with the meaning behind that verse though. I realized that God is ready to complete that good work in us, if we are willing to give our lives completely and only to Christ as the one true way. He started a good work in all of us by making us in His image; it is up to us to let him complete that good work. It’s our responsibility to inform the world of this.

In other news, I just finished the book Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell. In typical Orwellian style, there are a handful of lessons, along with an overarching societal commentary via an enthralling story. This book is essentially his autobiography of when he was (surprise, surprise) down and out in both London and Paris. He points out how society has ostracized and subhumanized the homeless in such a way that everything from their idleness to their sexuality is inadvertently affected. He also talked about the time where he wrote for a Russian communist paper to make some money. It got me to thinking, if it was from that experience that he wrote 1984, discovering the harms of big government through this group, or if he wrote it to cover his tracts (to not be black listed). I tend to think of the former rather than the latter, but it got me thinking just the same. I highly recommend this book if you are an Orwell fan at all.

I had a Planes, Trains and Automobiles kind of Thanksgiving (which turned out to be one epic journey). My roommates (Katie and Hilary) and I left at 3am on Tuesday morning. We drove straight through to Fresno and I crashed there. The next day, I met up with my friend Sharayah who goes to Fresno State and we drove down to so cal. We had fun listening to all sorts of music, but especially the Disney sound tracks. It got me to thinking about how as kids, we had a new Disney animated film come out every year and I just added it to the list on how the 1990’s was the best era to grow up in. It took 7 hours due to the rain and holiday traffic to get there. L I stopped by my friend Serena’s house, to say hi. Her mom has terminal cancer, so I stopped by to say my good byes essentially. I have known her mom for years, a wonderful woman. It is tough to think she will be gone any day now, but I rejoice in the fact that she will no longer be in pain, and that she will be with our Father. It was nice to be with Serena and Desi, to reminisce to get our minds off of the situation. After that, Sharayah dropped me off at home. Got to spend some time with the fam and went to bed. The next day I woke up and we had our Thanksgiving tradition of watching the parade and eating cinnamon rolls. After that we got ready and went and picked up my sister and Skylar (her boyfriend….I know right?) to have Thanksgiving with us. All my relatives met him and loved him. I found myself getting a bit envious, wishing I could bring my man to family events like this. Soon after that though, my Grandpa’s girlfriend Barbara told me how she really wanted me to bring Jerry over during Christmas break. That put a smile on my face, and we planned a day for that and to see the movie Australia together. I love my Grandpa and Barbara. I wouldn’t say my Grandpa picks favorites, but I know that he and I have a special connection, being that we are the only ones in our family to have our B.A.’s (he always brings it up). We have a pretty similar sense of humor and always make sarcastic remarks to each other under our breaths. At the same time, he too is a sentimental fool (where my brother and I get it I suppose). Some of our other relatives are a bit much at times. I saw a bottle of Jack (with a little bit left) on the counter. My sister was talking to one of these relatives with Skylar and I set the bottle next to her. Barbara saw that and couldn’t stop laughing. Then Skylar said “Is that apple juice Emily?” Barbara laughed even more, and the other relatives didn’t get it. It was great. We left the house and drove back to San Clemente. We dropped Skylar off. It was funny to see Skylar next to my dad (towering over him). I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that my sister ended up with a giant. It is just kind of funny to see I suppose. I came home hung out for a bit and went to bed. I woke up the next morning and my dad took me to the train station. I took a train to LA, a bus to Bakersfield and a train to Fresno. Katie picked me up and we drove back home. Pretty epic traveling for such a short amount of time I deduce, but it was worth it (especially since the whole thing only ended up costing me less than $100).

I sure love my family and continue to pray that God will work a miracle in situations that seem impossible. I know that He works in mysterious ways and that He is the sovereign Lord that loves me no matter how many times I fall. I have so much to be thankful for during this season of thanks. Christmas is officially here. This week my roommies and friends get to buy decorations and a tree and hang up lights and decorations!!! We are hosting a Christmas caroling party….I am so excited!!!!

memories

I have had a lot of forced time to wait and think this year (mainly walking and waiting for the bus for at least a total for 2 hours everyday). It is crazy the places your mind wanders, or the memories that are stirred up.

For example, as I was hearing people talk over their Thanksgiving plans, it brought me back to Thanksgiving growing up. We would have cinnamon rolls in the morning, as we watched the parade. Then, we would head over to the church barn (an old golf cart barn) and have a Thanksgiving feast with the church. Everyone would bring some sort of dish and we would dine together (which was nice since many of our relatives were on the mainland).

I find myself getting sad sometimes, sad that things are not the way they once were. Instead of knowing what a wonderful Thanksgiving I am going to have with loved ones, I am not sure what it will look like. I am sad at how much people and situations have changed. Usually I do just fine with change, but I think when negative change out of my control is at hand, it is very difficult for me.

So I cling to the happy times of old and look to the future for happy times to come. I know that things will never be as they were, so I find joy in the memories. I decided that every random memory that comes to mind, I am going to write down. I know there are a lot of good ones stowed in my memory.

I am so looking forward to the future; I am marrying an amazing man. For some reason, last night I was looking at some of his old blog postings. His blogs are so honest and heart felt. He always has a heart of thankfulness and praise to God. He has inspired me to grow in my walk so much so. He is a leader by quiet example. Sometimes I feel so inadequate to be with such a man. I am decayed with imperfection, I say and do things I shouldn't, but he loves me despite and encourages me to improve in a loving manner. What a wonderful living example of Christ he is! When I miss the things of the pass, I look to the glorious future God has given me. I am so undeserving.

Symbols

Have you ever noticed the little wheelchair symbol next to the word verification before you post a comment on a blog? out of curiosity, I clicked on it and the only thing it did was say "Type the letters above". I assume that blogger is thinking one of three things:

1. If you use a wheelchair it may be difficult to understand what do do with a word preceededby a blank box.

2. If you use a wheelchair your vision is impaired

3. If you use a wheelchair, you must be illiterate....but still using blogger.

How offensive is that? Or here is another good one. I was talking to these guys and they showed me a picture of a person with a stick (in the same vain as the wheelchair symbol). They told me it was in line at Safeway. I said...well its probably for the blind. Then I realized that a blind person couldn't see that symbol. There was no purpose at all for the sign.

So the people developing these symbols are either very offensive or very stupid (or both). In today's "PC" society, we are far from politically correct, or just plainly decent at all. That frustrates me. I know theese are just symbols, but they truly represent the thoughts of those who develop them. Burke said it best: "Man is/the symbol-using (symbol making, symbol-misusing) animal/inventor of the negative (or moralized by the negative)/separated from his natural condition by instruments of his own making/goaded by the spirit of hierarchy (or moved by the sense of order)/and rotten with perfection."

Speaking of being un PC...I love people watching. Bus stops are a great place to do this. This morning I saw a girl with a brand new ICP backpack. a). I didn't know they were still a band. b). I didn't know they made backpacks. scratch that....i didnt know Hot Topic made those.

At the bus stop this morning, I saw ,my friend Diana. She was sitting under the covering with 2 guys who wouldnt move to let me in, so I stood in the rain. She looked at me in disbelief, all the would have had to do was to move 2 inches to the left, but oh well....chivilery is dead.

I then saw two gay guys walk by with matching umbrellas. You could tell that they were recently "out" because they still seemed a bit unsure about being outwardly flambouant.

1 more day of work after today....then I get next week off for Thanksgiving. I have had to work late at night to get caught up on things for Open Doors. Im also trying to study for the GRE, write my book, apply for grad school and plan a wedding. I am feeling a bit overwhelemed...like I wont get it all done. I am sticking to a strict timeline to get it done. I think this feeling will subside tomorrow ar 6:50pm....a whole week to get caught up :)

my man

For having a man as amazing as mine, I do not blog about him nearly enough. He is so full of encouragement, wisdom and insight. It is amazing to hear his thoughts on our ministry together and his encouragement when it comes to a crappy day at work. God has really given him a way with words. And I get to marry him in 204 days!!!

Raising Sand

I just got the semi new Robert Plant/ Alison Krauss CD, Raising Sand. It's AMAZING!!! It has been awhile since a song has stopped me in my tracks or has given me chills. Killing the Blues did just that. The other songs are also phenomenal. BUY IT.