Tuesday, April 28, 2009

meh

I haven't posted anything in awhile. I am neurotic and love number points, so here is what has been on my mind:

1. I had my last day of work. That job really helped me develop as a whole person. I learned a lot, especially what hard work is. I had to wake up early and take the bus to and fro for most of it. I have a whole new respect for the average blue collar worker now. Though I am still working for Open Doors part time, I barely have any money now. I have been stressed about finances. I have credit card, rent and loans to pay and hate being in debt. Jerry is really good at having the whole faith thing. I suck at it. Even though God has come through every single time, I still doubt....even when I know it will all be good in a couple months. Why? Lord help me to have faith that moves mountains, for I know that you care for me. Forgive me for doubting.


2. I have a little over 2 weeks left up here in Oregon. I will also go to Indianapolis in that time...which is super sweet. I am going for a work conference. I have been looking up cool things to do there. I love traveling. After that, I will head back down to So Cal. I am really looking forward to the few weeks I have down there before the wedding. I will be staying with relatives and friends. I am really looking forward to being with my sister though. I have missed her a lot. I am really looking forward to our adventures of old....dollar ice cream at rite aid, dollar theatre, borders. I can’t wait!!!! Anywho, this year has been phenomenal. God has taught me so much....really feels like it was a time of preparation....

3. Which leads me to my next point. This has felt like a prep time. God has plugged me into an amazing church, has allowed me time to study his word and form a biblically based worldview on subjects that we deal with in today's society. I have felt a calling on my life since I was young, a calling to do great things for the Lord. I don’t know what it looks like....but I don’t want to miss it. He has done a lot to prepare me and I am ready for whatever it is. I have talked with Cor and Jer about this and have had this confirmed. What is it though God? I am ready (I think)

4. I am a broken person. I am continually hurt by some very close people in my life. Every time that I think the wound has been healed, it is ripped open, stabbed multiple times and left with gore all over the place. I hate that it happens to me....but I hate even more that it happens to my sister. I wish things could be reconciled. I wish that the love that was once present could return. I wish that I wasn't treated as an outcast, as a horrible person. I wish that we could be together again. I wish these things and God knows the desires of my heart. He can do anything. I trust and believe in Him. I praise him for the support He has blessed me with, with relatives and close friends. He is good.

5. Next year will be amazing. Marrying an amazing man of God, my best friend. I get to fall asleep in his arms every night. I get to snuggle up with him on our couch, in our apartment to watch a movie. I get to work at an AMAZING job with him next year. The Lord is an amazing provider and has blessed me so.

4 comments:

The Future Mr. and Mrs said...

so we need another phone date...maybe this time we should set an actual date so we don't play phone tag for a week like last time :) Are you available during the day this thursday or Friday or Saturday?

Ange said...

I love #4. So raw and so beautiful...I love your genuine honesty :)

Jer said...

#6 You are such a wonderful woman of God. You truly bless others with your life.

Jay said...

1. We doubt because we are not in control and then fear. We are given free will to govern our own lives. So when there is nothing to do it is hard to trust something so good when we are so wicked.

3. That's exciting! and scary. I too feel as you have. Just wondering what God has in store and I too don't want to miss it.

4. You can never lose hope on this one you love so dear. The pain has brought fruit which you describe. But know that the time is coming when they will look on you and your sister and see the love you share and then kick themselves for not having it. I know you hate this feeling but God knows you can bear it, and he lets you bear it to mold you into something new and by this affect others even the one who hurts you.

6. (Jerry's number) Very true.